Date: 16 Apr 2016 12:26 (UTC)
kickingand: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean had every intention to follow suit with his own plea this time - he might not always be the most agreeable and refuse the help offered but this time he knows better than to back down after asking. And not just becuase he woke Cas up from a nap, but because Dean has nothing else.

But seriously, beam himself. Dean's not sure how much more ridiculous this is going to get.
]

Give me a few minutes.

[ With that he disconnects to go figure this out. Which doesn't take too terribly long considering the people on board his own ship don't completely despise him yet. And Dean is just always so convincing..... Anyway, he eventually manages the whole thing and finds himself smoothly beamed onto the Red Fish, momentarily suspicious as he glances around, looking for Cas in an instant. ]

Date: 16 Apr 2016 21:35 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10146201)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean is almost surprised that Cas managed to wrench himself out of bed for this, a process which isn't even remotely easy when there's little reason to do so. It's not as if there's a state of emergency here, or at least Dean wouldn't claim there to be, and yet here Cas is, all sleepy and bed headed, nearly making Dean roll his eyes. ]

Not a whole lot of other options.

[ That, and he has more incentive than he knows what to do with. But after another moment he makes his way on over, his gaze silently tracking along the walls. ]

Date: 16 Apr 2016 22:56 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10039948)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
I appreciate the vote of confidence.

[ And Dean is following without question to the contrary, easily letting Cas lead the way as he follows along behind him. Besides, it gives him a chance to look around, note differences, take in Cas' surroundings compared to his own. ]

Date: 17 Apr 2016 00:41 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10039999)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean hasn't had enough time to get used to anything in particular, but maybe that's solely because he's done a damn fine job of resisting. Refusing to even remotely settle has been an expert way of trying to distance himself away from everything imaginable, as if he can remove himself from his own damn skin if he tries hard enough. Which hasn't truly worked as of yet, but a man can dream.

Except that's why he's here.

Waiting for Cas to get his water, Dean simply carries on along until he's watching him toss himself back into his bunk, standing sentinel to the side.
]

For today. See how I feel about it again tomorrow.

Date: 17 Apr 2016 02:57 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10144489)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean's only aware of his own hovering when Cas points it out, all but rubbing his face in it. Not that he can complain about Cas' response to it, not truly, not when he's able to distantly recognize that he's altogether right.

And if there's one person in the world who could get away with remarking on it, it's Cas. Anyone else would be witnessing Dean's turned back right around now, but Cas has by far earned the right to poke at him, no matter the reason. He's the only one who has, and it's because of that he silently rolls his eyes before angling slightly to drop down onto the edge of the bed, scooting his way up further next to Cas.
]

Quit your bitching.

Date: 17 Apr 2016 04:38 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10144589)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean supposes that the slow decline into serious conversation is only inevitable, and he's right in that it follows Cas setting his glass off to the side with a certain amount of finality. He brought this upon himself after all, practically asked for it, and now he has to up and figure out what to say in reply. Which doesn't take terribly long, even as Dean's gaze slips down towards the bed in front of him, measuring his words almost too carefully. ]

It's a mutual dislike.

[ But the thing is, Dean wouldn't be happy with anyone else. He'd throw a silent fit no matter who he was stuck with, no matter how kind and honest and good they were, it wouldn't mean a single thing. ]

Date: 17 Apr 2016 12:32 (UTC)
kickingand: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean wants to say it. He can't do this, he doesn't know how, he fucked it all up, he knows. But it's as if the words are pressurized in his skull, can't figure out how to shake themselves to freedom when they're shoved too hard up against the edges. It's unendingly frustrating, his own silence a cavernous thing, and most of the time he despises it enough in the face of others that he simply walks away. But he's here, and he wants to speak, and so all he can do is stay. ]

I'm not staying there.

[ It's a start, even if it begs a hundred more questions. Still, Dean up and folds his arms over his chest defensively, preparing himself for whatever is about to come. ]

Date: 17 Apr 2016 19:28 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10039999)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean knows that in a certain regard, this is entirely his fault. That he put them in this situation and now has to face the repercussions he never wanted to begin with. This was never supposed to be their end. It's a conversation they need to have, all the words they need to say stuck between them, and he'll get there. He keeps telling himself they will, he just doesn't know how to give it over all too easily.

In comparison, this is almost simple.

Although, Dean isn't so sure about that either, considering the number of seconds it takes for him to up and say the actual point of the matter, gaze rolling towards Cas for a second.
]

I'm planning on finding a place here.

[ Okay, sarcasm is as good of an introduction as any but Dean looks away quickly enough, jaw setting stiffly. And even though he knows exactly what he wants to say, he still goes for the sideways response. ]

You might've made nice with Sam but, Cas- that is not a road I ever wanted to go down again.
Edited Date: 17 Apr 2016 19:29 (UTC)

Date: 17 Apr 2016 21:49 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10144491)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean knows Cas won't push, even if it happens to be the only thing he truly wants to do. Cas only argues when it's pertinent, never when it comes to coping methods. It's taken time to figure out what buttons they can push without going over the deep end for either of them and now it's simply a steady path they walk. Even if Dean still remains a hot button no matter the day.

Remaining still save for the way he leans back against Cas' shoulder, all Dean wants is to rant and rave about how he's the odd man out in the situation and there's only cruelty to be found in that, but he shuts his mouth for as long as he can stand.
]

Means I get stuck.

[ Without you.

Because in no way does Sam need Cas the way he does, that he knows. Except Dean has put himself in this corner, and he doesn't quite know how to force himself out of it.
]

Date: 17 Apr 2016 23:54 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10146201)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ The temptation to get up and go is like a solid punch to the gut. He's suddenly not so sure if he's capable of having this conversation, of coping with the fact that he doesn't know where the hell he's supposed to be. Because while he's fairly sure that his place is not the ship he's managed to find himself stuck on, he doesn't know if he can go it on this one either. Or, more accurately, if he could go it without trying to take Sam's head off on a daily basis.

Well aware that he's frustrating Cas doesn't exactly make him feel any better, watching him drag his hand down his face out of the corner of his eye as he remains stubbornly silent. It's all Dean can do to keep himself planted, giving the foot of the bunk the thousand yard stare.

There's no easy answer to this, and most of all, Dean knows better than to ask Cas to come with him. He found a little place here and it'd be unendingly unfair of him to drag him away. Besides, Cas deserves to be somewhere he is not for once, give him room to breathe and be away from the sole person who ruined everything. Why should Dean force him to be near when all he is, is a destructive force.

Except now, Dean has no idea what to say. What he's supposed to do to make it even remotely bearable when he's so far past that he can't real it on in. And so he chooses to remain silent, knowing that anything he could muster would get him into a by far worse situation, a consequence that he's downright terrified of when he's already past his threshold.
]

Date: 18 Apr 2016 01:58 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10144492)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ If Dean could magically come up with the right words, he would. In an instant. But everything feels as if it'll ruin the situation more than he's already screwed it, that he'll do somehow infinitely more wrong by Cas no matter what he tries to say. He just can't make it easy, and in a horrifying way, he almost misses home in that it's a thing he can recognize. This feels so far out of his hands that he doesn't know how to reach for it, and he's sorry. He is. He's sorry he got it all so wrong.

Despite all his efforts to keep himself somehow removed, Cas shoves it all away without words, wraps him up in a hug without question and pulls him close. Dean blinks a few times, not entirely surprised by it but trying to resist for a good few seconds before he finally sinks into it, nose shoved to Cas' shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut tight. At least there's nothing complicated to this, it doesn't have to be such a struggle to understand, to work his way through. Cas is warm and solid and still there, and he's sure that has to be enough.

But by god, it still hurts, and Dean buries his way in closer, clinging tight enough that he's sure he might break from it.
]

I can't just come visit.

Date: 18 Apr 2016 03:38 (UTC)
kickingand: (pic#10039999)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean keeps thinking that what he wants should be obvious, should somehow not be a thing that he has to say out loud. But Cas can't read his mind and for that, Dean doesn't fault him, never would. And even if he could, it's still his duty to make his words known, even if they struggle to exist in the first place. It's his responsibility to be forthright before anyone else, and that can't be a fact that changes just because he feels hopelessly lost.

Except for when he's with Cas.

It's a fact he can't turn on its head, a thing that's been true for years. So why fight so hard from a distance? Dean tries to speak for a moment but finds himself clamping his jaw shut again when Cas knocks their forehead together, just trying to find his own breath when he cracks under the weight of Cas' insufferably encouraging smile. As much as he wants to look away, disconnect, he is right here, with it, right where he wants to be.
]

Yeah, well-

[ There's no retorts left, stupid or otherwise, even as Dean tries to grab for words other than I missed you too, fingers curling tighter into the back of Cas' shirt. He's sure that Cas might disintegrate under his touch for all he's gotten wrong, and all he wants at the end of the day is to keep an eye on him. To make sure he's still there. Always there. ]

I want to be here.

Date: 18 Apr 2016 09:21 (UTC)
kickingand: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kickingand
[ Dean almost feels worse the second Cas says it, that he'd come if Dean called. That he'd hop to in a heartbeat if that was what Dean demanded of him. And while it's undoubtedly tempting, a potential solution that Dean can't rightly look over, he won't let it happen, either. Not because he doesn't want it, but because Cas has every right to stay where he's comfortable.

Cas has had more than enough time to figure out where he'd like to be at this point, and it's not a disruption Dean feels egotistical enough to make. Maybe were they home, maybe had he not allowed them all to die- he doesn't know. And if guilt is the only reason he's refusing the option, then it's still a damn good reason and Dean stares forward, gaze trained onto Cas.
]

Shut up, it's not what I want.

[ But that's the altogether easy thing to say, before Dean's gaze skirts lower and he all but holds his breath, jaw tightening with further agitation. Because the solution to this is falling squarely on his shoulders, and isn't that always the way it goes? He can't ever seem to escape the choices he has to make, the things he has to do while simultaneously numbing himself from the inside out. ]

I'll talk to Sam.

[ One can only hope he doesn't implode in the process, a consequence he might be truly mulling over. ]

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