[ Really, Cas' expression doesn't exactly speak of the utmost confidence in the idea, but it's not as if Dean has much in it, either. All he can figure is that it'll go catastrophically wrong, that it won't solve a single thing and he'll simply be back at square one with even fewer options. It's an accident waiting to happen, the worst kind, and while Dean has all the dire need in the world for it to go well, he still has little faith in it. Even considering Sam's enthusiasm - if you could call it that - when it comes to communication between them, Dean just doesn't see it being a conversation that will end well.
Except right now, this time, he needs it to.
Trying to loosen up in his own words, Dean heaves a breath, not entirely sure if he should let go of Cas so he can remove himself fully or allow himself to keep on clinging with all the silent needs he hasn't had the opportunity to pass along. ]
Yeah, we'll see.
[ Good ideas aren't exactly his forte, something he wants to say, wants to admit me to but doesn't think he could handle the conversation that would need to come after. Because even while it' s a conversation that needs to be had, it's one thing at a time, and right now- right now it's his inability to deal with Sam that's on the table. Even that is its own struggle, Dean's own personal fight against his past and the moments that lead to his death and he'd be lying if he said that every time he looked at Sam, he didn't see his last few seconds. But he keeps telling himself that's inconsequential and so one day he's sure to believe it, except he finally looks back to Cas, trying to remain ever stoic. ]
[ maybe it isn't a good idea. maybe dean will just fuck it all up, because he's hot tempered and impatient and has years of righteous anger behind him to complicate everything he touches.
but dean's the one who taught him that you try anyway. even if the odds are shit, even if it's most likely going to blow up in your face, you give it your best damned shot anyway because it's all you can do, because it's always worth it. and sure, they've screwed up so many major decisions that it's almost laughable that they're still going to try for more, but he supposes that the two of them.. they just don't know when to quit. ]
Heh, maybe.
[ cas says with a grin, dropping both hands back to his lap, one leg tucked under him so he can stay leaning close and comfortable. ]
But you know, maybe not. Worth a shot, right? Just, you know.. keep an open mind.
[ Just that he somehow doubts he'll get through it without wanting to punch Sam in the head again by the end. He supposes the very idea is somehow progress itself, an almost disturbing idea considering where he started. But if he truly wants this, wants to let himself find comfort in at least one thing, then there isn't any other choice. And so no matter what, he's willing to give it a go.
Canting to the side slightly as he once again leans back up against the headboard, Dean drops his face slightly, rubbing his fingers against his eyes ]
Can't even sleep here.
[ It's a stupid sidebar but it's worthy of frustration. That, and it apparently needlessly annoys his captain of the moment, the endless pacing and the unwillingness to sit his ass down for two seconds. It doesn't really help matters that closing his eyes means seeing Lucifer and that trying to nod off is a paranoid reminder of the disaster he's left festering at home. It's all enough to leave him feeling cataclysmically distraught, guilty enough that the ships halls are worth pacing through at night.
But at least he figures admitting to it means something, not that he knows what. ]
[ that dean's got too much nervous energy to sleep easily comes as no real surprise. they're not 'safe', after all, they have no control, and while cas might handle it decently, he knows that that's never really been dean's cup of tea. he's damn finicky. for all intents and purposes they've been kidnapped, after all, and that doesn't sit well with guys like dean. doesn't sit well with most people. ]
Yeah, it took me awhile to get comfortable, too.
[ a shrug. ]
Try the cargo hold. It's quiet in there. But yeah you kinda look like shit.
[ Dean has in no way forgotten that they've been kidnapped, but in a weird sort of way, it's not at the complete forefront of his mind. All his other paranoias are more fervently popping to the surface, taking hold and shaking him around just for their own benefit. But when he does think on it, it's just one more thing to find himself getting upset over, as if he really needs to add more to the plate.
Rolling his eyes in Cas' direction, Dean stares for a good long second, offering him a perpetually annoyed look. ]
Looking good isn't a top priority.
[ Not that he knows what is a top priority apart from getting onto Cas' ship. To only further impress upon the point, he knocks into Cas gently before looking away again. ]
You've got better sleeping arrangements than us. [ Which is to say communal bunks is so not a thing that is happening with Dean. ]
[ cas supposes he might be more upset about it if he weren't, you know, dead. and it feels.. so incredibly selfish, but he's kind of glad for it, in a way that feels kind of slimy. because being dead - it means he's done all he can, right? it means he doesn't have to try to get back because that ship has sailed, his stint there is over and done, he's done his time, paid the price for his sins.
that's what he tries to tell himself, at least. but cas can't swallow it entirely, because there were people still left behind, an earth ruined and overrun by demons, and for all intents and purposes he should be trying to get back, trying to help more, to give and give until there's no spirit left to be pulled away into.. strange alternate dimensions.
he'll choke that all down with a smile, though. ]
Oh yeah? You got those, uh.. bunk beds?
[ he can't help but snicker, because imagining dean bunking up and getting cozy with his shipmates is just hysterical okay. man needs his privacy. cas shrugs, though, glancing over his broad bed, the little table, the shelf. honestly, he gets it. having four walls to yourself can be.. necessary. cas has learned the importance of that, these past five years. ]
Stay over, if you want. I don't always use the bed anyway.
[ Dean would like to pretend he hasn't yet gotten to the part where he can even consider his own death. It's something he wishes he could skirt past on every given occasion, wishes he could shove to the furthest corners of his head and leave it to rot for another day. But that's just not how it works when his mind lets it froth to the surface near every other minute, a reminder that he failed so extraordinarily that finding himself worthy of anything is damn near impossible.
It's what made this hardest of all, letting himself settle when he doesn't deserve it. Letting himself have this when he doesn't deserve it. But he just can't crumble either, even if it's all he wants to do. Because there is always something to fight against, no matter if it means losing everything all over again.
Just let Cas keep this even if he's the one who has to give it all away. Give Cas one goddamn thing. ]
Bunk beds? [ Dean's eyebrows raise; skeptical yet somehow thankful that's not his arrangement either. ] Try barracks. Like a fucking sleepover.
[ Tracking Cas' gaze around his room, he stares down at the bed given as an offering, not entirely sure what to do with the prospects. If he's allowed, if he should, if that would somehow break all the rules he's created for himself. Not to mention- it's still Cas' space. ]
[ cas grins like a cat and laughs, easy and loose, because imagining dean functioning at a sleepover is frankly just hilarious. the red fish might be smaller than a lot of ships, and lacking in a few things (though it's certainly better now that their ranks are filled more evenly), but having rooms of their own is a definite plus. cas got used to his own cabin, after all, has learned the value of privacy, likes to have a place to hide out in the quiet when he needs it. it's good.
so it's probably pretty shitty for dean, actually, to not have that, to feel hemmed in on all sides always with no real escape. it's enough to make someone stir-crazy, let along a hair-triggery apocalypse vet. ]
I didn't mean forever.
[ he corrects with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, leaning forward until his elbows are resting on his knees. ]
Just, you know, when you need it. If you need some quiet to get your shit together, and have some walls to yourself for once.
[ Oh yeah, laugh it up buddy. Dean might find it more amusing if he wasn't living in the middle of it and truth be told, he's about a hot second away from migrating his ass onto the moon. It's just one more reason he isn't dealing well, and the constant temptation to remove the people around him really just adds to the constant feel of chaos.
Dean still isn't sure why he doesn't want to take Cas' room, though. Can't figure out if it's because he feels like he owes him far too much, that Cas should never have to offer him anything. Or if there's some other sinking feeling he can't muster to the surface, something else guilt ridden and unsure. He just doesn't know, but somehow feels as if he's intruding in ways he shouldn't be allowed, even if Cas wants to share. ]
It's yours, Cas. Even when you're not in it.
[ Besides, how often did Dean spend his days drinking in the damn storage shed. It's as good of an excuse as any: I don't need the luxury of this. I can do without. Even as his gaze hones forward, focused on unspoken apologies. ]
[ what's your damned point, winchester? sure, maybe cas makes too much of a habit of giving dean what he wants, even if he's gotten worlds better about it, yeah, there's always gonna be a part of him that wants to give until he's got nothing left.
but that's not exactly what's at work, here. dean's his best friend, and he's in an uncomfortable situation, so if cas can help alleviate some of that pressure without really inconveniencing himself too much, then why the hell not? honestly, a calmer, more collected dean is better for everyone, so if holing up in a quiet room every once in awhile will help his mood, as far as cas is concerned, everyone wins. ]
[ For a few moments, Dean's gaze averts upwards, almost exasperated but not quite. He's well aware it's a stupid thing to even try to argue about, a thing he should give into straight away because comfort itself is a hard thing to deny. But he can't quite give it up. ]
Will it make you feel better if I do?
[ Looking over to Cas, brow furrowed in quiet interest, Dean's not entirely sure in what sense he's asking. It's not as if this is a thing that should even tear Cas up inside, compared to near everything else they've been through - it's comical to think that Dean's refusal might be upsetting him. Though he knows his question has nothing to do with whether or not it'll fix anything, because it won't, he simply has to wonder just what more he'd do now for Cas. More than what he ever would before. It's only that his last choices in life belie a number of his feelings, the fact that Cas is all he has no matter which way he looks at it, that Cas is the one being he cannot watch go. ]
[ it'll make everyone feel better, really. unwinding dean is a damned public service as far as he's concerned, and sure, cas's first instinct is to protect dean for dean, to offer him whatever solace he can because it's dean, his best friend. keeping im comfortable is, you know, important.
but hey. if he's.. making everyone else's lives easier in the meantime, sure. he'll take it. absolutely. ]
[ Except Dean, as far as he's concerned, isn't really upsetting anyone with his mere presence. It's not like he's Darth Vader, and sure, he annoyed the snot out of his Captain, but the only nuisance he's creating is by not being able to do enough. Even so-- ]
Fine.
[ Said in that tone that applies but i'm not going to like it. Even if he undoubtedly will, eventually, no matter if he's entirely aware of it or not. ]
[shut up sorey don't get all shy because the ancient seraph dude remembered your name] Could I ask you your thoughts on the whole polluted world issue? Did you see things like that happen back home, in your observations?
[ cas can't help the bark of a laugh that spills from him, easy as water. ]
But then how else will I fall asleep?
[ he asks, brows drawn and lower lip thrust out, the very picture of pathetic sadness. but he can't hold it, splits into a smile and sighs, scrubbing at his face with both hands. good talk, friend. there's still much more to come but.. well, this is good enough, for now. ]
[ Don't you even look at him like that, god. Dean just rolls his eyes before leaning back full on against the headboard. Granted now that he's straight up told to take a nap, doing so seems nearly impossible but-- who knows. This might be one of those desperate times cases. ]
Heh, don't worry, princess, I'm going to grab a shower, I think.
[ because seriously, months here now and he still can't get over the hot running water. it's amazing. so he climbs up to his feet and stretches nice and full until his back pops. ]
So, enjoy yourself. Try not to drool all over my pillows.
[ Dean just watches for a second before he rolls his own shoulders and grumbles his way through a sigh. ]
Yeah, sure- i'll do what I can.
[ If he doesn't get nervous by the prospects of sleep and run off before Cas comes back that is, but it's infinitely more likely that he'll crash in a hot second. He ain't goin' nowhere. ]
[He was gonna send a text, but it's easier with his shitty arm to just talk through it; painkillers are doing wonders for him tonight. The tonight in which Sam totally won't bother informing Cas of Dean and his little... unfortunate meeting.
Nah, he actually just wants to make sure Cas is okay.]
Hey, I'm hitting the hay for the night. Dean's sticking in your room, just FYI.
...
And please don't answer this if you're in the middle of something raunchy.
[ Getting hustled over to the Red Fish could not come fast enough, though really, he'd practically moved onto the ship already. He just hadn't overtaken the empty room yet with his things so much as he'd invaded all of Cas' space... Save for the days since the Masquerade where he'd been particularly avoidy and even less sure of what to do with himself. Not that he was unaware of the fact that that was entirely his fault. Not being on the ship had left things twice as uncomfortable, his time too open ended.
But now here he was.
It wasn't as if he had a heap of crap to carry around with him. The bunks in the Caprine hadn't left a lot of room for extra bullshit, and save for what he could keep on him, his terrifying mask and some hefty booze, Dean didn't have anything much to cart around. Not that he was big on earthly possessions to begin with.
Making his way down through the crew's quarters, Dean strode past Cas' door, only pausing momentarily to knock the bottom of the bottle he held against it in greeting - in case Cas was there at all - before he carried on the rest of the way to his room. His room. That was almost comical, wasn't it. Upon arrival, Dean toppled his things rather unceremoniously onto the bed before he turned and sat gently on the edge of the mattress. Okay, yeah. This would work. ]
[ cas had known about the transfer, of course, had known it was something in the works, but dean hung around so often anyway, and cas tended to lose track of time so often that he doesn't really know that today's the day.
so when he hears the rap on his door, cas glances up toward it, stubs out his cigarette and pokes his head into the hall just in time to see dean disappearing down into one of the other bunks.
oh. right!
meandering barefoot down the corridor, he slinks down to dean's brand new bunk and leans into the doorway, arms loosely crossed, an easy grin on his mouth. ]
[ Feet kicked out in front of himself, stretching out into his space, Dean only looks up when Cas makes his appearance. He hadn't even known for sure or not if he was here but he's more than a little thankful that he is, needing the company by far more than he'd admit to. ]
Took 'em long enough. [ At least he looks mostly amicable about having to be patient. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 18 Apr 2016 09:52 (UTC)Except right now, this time, he needs it to.
Trying to loosen up in his own words, Dean heaves a breath, not entirely sure if he should let go of Cas so he can remove himself fully or allow himself to keep on clinging with all the silent needs he hasn't had the opportunity to pass along. ]
Yeah, we'll see.
[ Good ideas aren't exactly his forte, something he wants to say, wants to admit me to but doesn't think he could handle the conversation that would need to come after. Because even while it' s a conversation that needs to be had, it's one thing at a time, and right now- right now it's his inability to deal with Sam that's on the table. Even that is its own struggle, Dean's own personal fight against his past and the moments that lead to his death and he'd be lying if he said that every time he looked at Sam, he didn't see his last few seconds. But he keeps telling himself that's inconsequential and so one day he's sure to believe it, except he finally looks back to Cas, trying to remain ever stoic. ]
Except i'm gonna fuck it up, right?
no subject
Date: 18 Apr 2016 17:44 (UTC)but dean's the one who taught him that you try anyway. even if the odds are shit, even if it's most likely going to blow up in your face, you give it your best damned shot anyway because it's all you can do, because it's always worth it. and sure, they've screwed up so many major decisions that it's almost laughable that they're still going to try for more, but he supposes that the two of them.. they just don't know when to quit. ]
Heh, maybe.
[ cas says with a grin, dropping both hands back to his lap, one leg tucked under him so he can stay leaning close and comfortable. ]
But you know, maybe not. Worth a shot, right? Just, you know.. keep an open mind.
no subject
Date: 18 Apr 2016 18:17 (UTC)[ Just that he somehow doubts he'll get through it without wanting to punch Sam in the head again by the end. He supposes the very idea is somehow progress itself, an almost disturbing idea considering where he started. But if he truly wants this, wants to let himself find comfort in at least one thing, then there isn't any other choice. And so no matter what, he's willing to give it a go.
Canting to the side slightly as he once again leans back up against the headboard, Dean drops his face slightly, rubbing his fingers against his eyes ]
Can't even sleep here.
[ It's a stupid sidebar but it's worthy of frustration. That, and it apparently needlessly annoys his captain of the moment, the endless pacing and the unwillingness to sit his ass down for two seconds. It doesn't really help matters that closing his eyes means seeing Lucifer and that trying to nod off is a paranoid reminder of the disaster he's left festering at home. It's all enough to leave him feeling cataclysmically distraught, guilty enough that the ships halls are worth pacing through at night.
But at least he figures admitting to it means something, not that he knows what. ]
no subject
Date: 18 Apr 2016 20:25 (UTC)Yeah, it took me awhile to get comfortable, too.
[ a shrug. ]
Try the cargo hold. It's quiet in there. But yeah you kinda look like shit.
no subject
Date: 18 Apr 2016 20:46 (UTC)Rolling his eyes in Cas' direction, Dean stares for a good long second, offering him a perpetually annoyed look. ]
Looking good isn't a top priority.
[ Not that he knows what is a top priority apart from getting onto Cas' ship. To only further impress upon the point, he knocks into Cas gently before looking away again. ]
You've got better sleeping arrangements than us. [ Which is to say communal bunks is so not a thing that is happening with Dean. ]
no subject
Date: 18 Apr 2016 22:12 (UTC)that's what he tries to tell himself, at least. but cas can't swallow it entirely, because there were people still left behind, an earth ruined and overrun by demons, and for all intents and purposes he should be trying to get back, trying to help more, to give and give until there's no spirit left to be pulled away into.. strange alternate dimensions.
he'll choke that all down with a smile, though. ]
Oh yeah? You got those, uh.. bunk beds?
[ he can't help but snicker, because imagining dean bunking up and getting cozy with his shipmates is just hysterical okay. man needs his privacy. cas shrugs, though, glancing over his broad bed, the little table, the shelf. honestly, he gets it. having four walls to yourself can be.. necessary. cas has learned the importance of that, these past five years. ]
Stay over, if you want. I don't always use the bed anyway.
no subject
Date: 18 Apr 2016 22:46 (UTC)It's what made this hardest of all, letting himself settle when he doesn't deserve it. Letting himself have this when he doesn't deserve it. But he just can't crumble either, even if it's all he wants to do. Because there is always something to fight against, no matter if it means losing everything all over again.
Just let Cas keep this even if he's the one who has to give it all away. Give Cas one goddamn thing. ]
Bunk beds? [ Dean's eyebrows raise; skeptical yet somehow thankful that's not his arrangement either. ] Try barracks. Like a fucking sleepover.
[ Tracking Cas' gaze around his room, he stares down at the bed given as an offering, not entirely sure what to do with the prospects. If he's allowed, if he should, if that would somehow break all the rules he's created for himself. Not to mention- it's still Cas' space. ]
I'm not taking your room.
no subject
Date: 19 Apr 2016 07:39 (UTC)so it's probably pretty shitty for dean, actually, to not have that, to feel hemmed in on all sides always with no real escape. it's enough to make someone stir-crazy, let along a hair-triggery apocalypse vet. ]
I didn't mean forever.
[ he corrects with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, leaning forward until his elbows are resting on his knees. ]
Just, you know, when you need it. If you need some quiet to get your shit together, and have some walls to yourself for once.
no subject
Date: 19 Apr 2016 12:52 (UTC)Dean still isn't sure why he doesn't want to take Cas' room, though. Can't figure out if it's because he feels like he owes him far too much, that Cas should never have to offer him anything. Or if there's some other sinking feeling he can't muster to the surface, something else guilt ridden and unsure. He just doesn't know, but somehow feels as if he's intruding in ways he shouldn't be allowed, even if Cas wants to share. ]
It's yours, Cas. Even when you're not in it.
[ Besides, how often did Dean spend his days drinking in the damn storage shed. It's as good of an excuse as any: I don't need the luxury of this. I can do without. Even as his gaze hones forward, focused on unspoken apologies. ]
no subject
Date: 19 Apr 2016 21:42 (UTC)[ what's your damned point, winchester? sure, maybe cas makes too much of a habit of giving dean what he wants, even if he's gotten worlds better about it, yeah, there's always gonna be a part of him that wants to give until he's got nothing left.
but that's not exactly what's at work, here. dean's his best friend, and he's in an uncomfortable situation, so if cas can help alleviate some of that pressure without really inconveniencing himself too much, then why the hell not? honestly, a calmer, more collected dean is better for everyone, so if holing up in a quiet room every once in awhile will help his mood, as far as cas is concerned, everyone wins. ]
Stop being a stubborn ass. Just keep it in mind.
no subject
Date: 19 Apr 2016 23:05 (UTC)Will it make you feel better if I do?
[ Looking over to Cas, brow furrowed in quiet interest, Dean's not entirely sure in what sense he's asking. It's not as if this is a thing that should even tear Cas up inside, compared to near everything else they've been through - it's comical to think that Dean's refusal might be upsetting him. Though he knows his question has nothing to do with whether or not it'll fix anything, because it won't, he simply has to wonder just what more he'd do now for Cas. More than what he ever would before. It's only that his last choices in life belie a number of his feelings, the fact that Cas is all he has no matter which way he looks at it, that Cas is the one being he cannot watch go. ]
Voice;
Date: 21 Apr 2016 06:56 (UTC)Sorry to contact you out of the blue. I was wondering, do you have a moment to talk?
no subject
Date: 21 Apr 2016 08:10 (UTC)[ it'll make everyone feel better, really. unwinding dean is a damned public service as far as he's concerned, and sure, cas's first instinct is to protect dean for dean, to offer him whatever solace he can because it's dean, his best friend. keeping im comfortable is, you know, important.
but hey. if he's.. making everyone else's lives easier in the meantime, sure. he'll take it. absolutely. ]
So come on. Take a load off whenever you need it.
no subject
Date: 21 Apr 2016 08:11 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Apr 2016 15:21 (UTC)Fine.
[ Said in that tone that applies but i'm not going to like it. Even if he undoubtedly will, eventually, no matter if he's entirely aware of it or not. ]
Just don't expect a bedtime story.
no subject
Date: 21 Apr 2016 16:10 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Apr 2016 20:28 (UTC)But then how else will I fall asleep?
[ he asks, brows drawn and lower lip thrust out, the very picture of pathetic sadness. but he can't hold it, splits into a smile and sighs, scrubbing at his face with both hands. good talk, friend. there's still much more to come but.. well, this is good enough, for now. ]
Take a nap, cranky.
no subject
Date: 21 Apr 2016 21:05 (UTC)[ Don't you even look at him like that, god. Dean just rolls his eyes before leaning back full on against the headboard. Granted now that he's straight up told to take a nap, doing so seems nearly impossible but-- who knows. This might be one of those desperate times cases. ]
Not if you're gonna stare at me.
no subject
Date: 21 Apr 2016 23:35 (UTC)[ because seriously, months here now and he still can't get over the hot running water. it's amazing. so he climbs up to his feet and stretches nice and full until his back pops. ]
So, enjoy yourself. Try not to drool all over my pillows.
no subject
Date: 22 Apr 2016 00:00 (UTC)Yeah, sure- i'll do what I can.
[ If he doesn't get nervous by the prospects of sleep and run off before Cas comes back that is, but it's infinitely more likely that he'll crash in a hot second. He ain't goin' nowhere. ]
no subject
Date: 27 Apr 2016 19:58 (UTC)I'm gonna need you to uh.. elaborate a little more. Sure, pollution happened back home. Sentient, highly intelligent creatures tend to make a mess.
voice. (the night of the masquerade)
Date: 30 Apr 2016 00:03 (UTC)Nah, he actually just wants to make sure Cas is okay.]
Hey, I'm hitting the hay for the night. Dean's sticking in your room, just FYI.
...
And please don't answer this if you're in the middle of something raunchy.
no subject
Date: 30 Apr 2016 03:47 (UTC)But now here he was.
It wasn't as if he had a heap of crap to carry around with him. The bunks in the Caprine hadn't left a lot of room for extra bullshit, and save for what he could keep on him, his terrifying mask and some hefty booze, Dean didn't have anything much to cart around. Not that he was big on earthly possessions to begin with.
Making his way down through the crew's quarters, Dean strode past Cas' door, only pausing momentarily to knock the bottom of the bottle he held against it in greeting - in case Cas was there at all - before he carried on the rest of the way to his room. His room. That was almost comical, wasn't it. Upon arrival, Dean toppled his things rather unceremoniously onto the bed before he turned and sat gently on the edge of the mattress. Okay, yeah. This would work. ]
no subject
Date: 30 Apr 2016 05:09 (UTC)so when he hears the rap on his door, cas glances up toward it, stubs out his cigarette and pokes his head into the hall just in time to see dean disappearing down into one of the other bunks.
oh. right!
meandering barefoot down the corridor, he slinks down to dean's brand new bunk and leans into the doorway, arms loosely crossed, an easy grin on his mouth. ]
Today's the day, eh?
no subject
Date: 30 Apr 2016 14:44 (UTC)Took 'em long enough. [ At least he looks mostly amicable about having to be patient. ]
Figured i'd pack light.