[ Sometimes Dean feels as if he's two people. The man he used to be, the one that came before, and the thing he is now, a man who no longer knows how to move through the world in quite the same way. And Dean is sure of it, knows that at times they compete for space in a way that leaves him to flicker between worlds, leaves him uncomfortable and exposed, not knowing where to put his hands or which words he should let slip free. It's as if it peels back spaces that haven't been seen for years, only to have them shut down again in an instant, Dean left with nothing but the remnants of actions he used to slide into out of sheer habit.
But it makes him uncomfortable, pulls him too tight, and he always ends up right in the same place that he'd left. The one where he simply doesn't. Doesn't know how or what to do or how to respond, and so he holds himself back, amplified and waiting for the next opportunity to do it all over again. To fail and close himself off, to where he doesn't have to question his motives simply because they weren't there to begin with.
It doesn't mean that he doesn't want. Because he does. Prolifically. He just doesn't know how to say it when he gets caught up in the delivery.
Lifting his gaze back to Cas, all Dean feels is that incremental creeping of implosion, the one where he wants to bury himself somewhere deep until it dies down. He never quite knows what it is, just knows he can't do anything about it, and so he nods and tries to push his own thoughts away. ]
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But it makes him uncomfortable, pulls him too tight, and he always ends up right in the same place that he'd left. The one where he simply doesn't. Doesn't know how or what to do or how to respond, and so he holds himself back, amplified and waiting for the next opportunity to do it all over again. To fail and close himself off, to where he doesn't have to question his motives simply because they weren't there to begin with.
It doesn't mean that he doesn't want. Because he does. Prolifically. He just doesn't know how to say it when he gets caught up in the delivery.
Lifting his gaze back to Cas, all Dean feels is that incremental creeping of implosion, the one where he wants to bury himself somewhere deep until it dies down. He never quite knows what it is, just knows he can't do anything about it, and so he nods and tries to push his own thoughts away. ]
I know.