[ If he wasn't doing this over the goddamn phone, he'd wait it out with sheer silence, stare down Cas until he either fell asleep again or sussed it out himself. But instead, Dean has to come up with something to say that'll be enough. ]
I'm not spending tonight at another damn bar.
[ One can only hope that's worthy of... something. Though it probably just means he's tired of getting kicked out of them. ]
[ cas is quiet for a moment, thoughtful, and it might look like he's just.. not answering, falling asleep, but really he's just weighing dean's words, his tone, all the nuance in speech that he has to read into because dean is so rarely truthful. he doesn't speak his mind readily.
but cas knows him. ]
You c'n come visit, if you want. [ he says, words still slow and groggy. ] 'S pretty quiet.
[ Dean sets his jaw irritably as he watches Cas nearly fall asleep, but thankfully he doesn't, should really be guessing that Cas is just slowly trying to pick up his trail of breadcrumbs.
It's all Dean can do to say yes please then and there but he manages to refrain, still glancing off as he tries to think. It's not as if he's searching for a way to say no, but he's looking for a way to convince himself that this - beyond the booze and the fistfights - is a perfectly acceptable way to cope. ]
[ grinning soft and lazy, cas chuckles, the sound a low, rumbling growl in his throat, like a sleepy bear. dean's gruffness is never enough to dampen castiel's warm spirit, he's more than used to it, and it rolls right off of his back. ]
[ Yeah, alright- he supposes that's legitimate enough. Granted, if Cas passes out he's not entirely sure what he'll do but fingers crossed. And with that he's up and at 'em, taking the offering without a please and thank you because it's not even remotely necessary when Cas has already made himself clear. ]
[ that's more like it, bucko. c'mon, take the money and run. cas.. probably won't fall asleep on him, no promises, but generally speaking he likes to be there for dean, most especially when dean makes the choice to lean on him. he can't walk away form that. ]
Nope, just beam yourself on over to the bridge. If you've got a Communications officer on board, they should be able to tell you how to get it done.
[ Dean had every intention to follow suit with his own plea this time - he might not always be the most agreeable and refuse the help offered but this time he knows better than to back down after asking. And not just becuase he woke Cas up from a nap, but because Dean has nothing else.
But seriously, beam himself. Dean's not sure how much more ridiculous this is going to get. ]
Give me a few minutes.
[ With that he disconnects to go figure this out. Which doesn't take too terribly long considering the people on board his own ship don't completely despise him yet. And Dean is just always so convincing..... Anyway, he eventually manages the whole thing and finds himself smoothly beamed onto the Red Fish, momentarily suspicious as he glances around, looking for Cas in an instant. ]
[ cas really would love nothing more than to just stay in bed, and if it were anyone else he probably would, because they can just come to him, but dean's never visited the ship before, wouldn't know where he was going and he'd probably be all bitchy about it by the time dean finally found his room.
so it's with great effort that he drags himself out of his bed and stumbles up to the bridge, all rumpled and groggy, pillow lines pressed into his face, eyes red and hooded. he's leaning bonelessly against the wall when dean appears, and cas greets him with a wide yawn and a lazy smile. ]
[ Dean is almost surprised that Cas managed to wrench himself out of bed for this, a process which isn't even remotely easy when there's little reason to do so. It's not as if there's a state of emergency here, or at least Dean wouldn't claim there to be, and yet here Cas is, all sleepy and bed headed, nearly making Dean roll his eyes. ]
Not a whole lot of other options.
[ That, and he has more incentive than he knows what to do with. But after another moment he makes his way on over, his gaze silently tracking along the walls. ]
[ don't worry, he's sure not going to linger here long. cas tosses dean a glance and a shrug before he's pushing off the wall and turning, meandering right on back in the direction of his room. ]
S'pose not. But you could've confused the transport with the airlock, and that would've been messy.
[ And Dean is following without question to the contrary, easily letting Cas lead the way as he follows along behind him. Besides, it gives him a chance to look around, note differences, take in Cas' surroundings compared to his own. ]
[ the red fish is one of the smaller ships, so it's likely a little more cramped and intimate than what dean is used to, and decorated with.. skulls and spikes like the hot topical vomited its contents all over the walls, but don't look at him, it was here before he arrived. the layout is more or less the same as every other ship, however, and cas ducks into the kitchen galley to snag a tall glass of water before he's trudging to his bunk and throwing himself right back down in it. ]
So, tired of slinging your fists at people down below?
[ Dean hasn't had enough time to get used to anything in particular, but maybe that's solely because he's done a damn fine job of resisting. Refusing to even remotely settle has been an expert way of trying to distance himself away from everything imaginable, as if he can remove himself from his own damn skin if he tries hard enough. Which hasn't truly worked as of yet, but a man can dream.
Except that's why he's here.
Waiting for Cas to get his water, Dean simply carries on along until he's watching him toss himself back into his bunk, standing sentinel to the side. ]
For today. See how I feel about it again tomorrow.
[ of course dean lingers, hovering like he's unsure of his own feet, like he can't quite figure out just how to fit himself into this place, sticking out like a sore thumb.
.. and honestly, cas can't blame him. he might make it look easy, with his loose smiles and easy charm, how he's ingratiated himself with his shipmates, but it's mostly all a front. cas doesn't feel any more in place here then dean does, but then, cas hasn't felt like he's known what home felt like since he's fallen. he doesn't really fit anywhere anymore. he's not an angel, he's not a human, or a monster, he's some bastard in-between mix and the universe hates mutts. dean, though, he's the closest thing to home that cas has.
drinking deep, he leans back against the wall behind him, lifting his eyebrows at dean over the rim of the glass. ]
Yeah, fair enough. You just gonna stand there with your thumb up your ass, or sit down?
[ Dean's only aware of his own hovering when Cas points it out, all but rubbing his face in it. Not that he can complain about Cas' response to it, not truly, not when he's able to distantly recognize that he's altogether right.
And if there's one person in the world who could get away with remarking on it, it's Cas. Anyone else would be witnessing Dean's turned back right around now, but Cas has by far earned the right to poke at him, no matter the reason. He's the only one who has, and it's because of that he silently rolls his eyes before angling slightly to drop down onto the edge of the bed, scooting his way up further next to Cas. ]
[ a soft, comfortable chuckle rolls in his throat, and cas draws his legs up a little to give dean more room to sit. these bunks aren't nearly so big as his big bed was back home, alas. ]
May as well ask me to stop breathing.
[ because you definitely can't take the sass out of cas, that's for damn sure. especially not now. gulping another mouthful of water, cas leans to set his glass down on the little bedside shelf, then flops comfortably, effortless as a cat. holding his silence for a moment, cas's brows draw thoughtfully together, and his voice is a little quieter, a little more careful when he speaks again. ]
How you holdin' up? Giving your shipmates a hard time?
[ Dean supposes that the slow decline into serious conversation is only inevitable, and he's right in that it follows Cas setting his glass off to the side with a certain amount of finality. He brought this upon himself after all, practically asked for it, and now he has to up and figure out what to say in reply. Which doesn't take terribly long, even as Dean's gaze slips down towards the bed in front of him, measuring his words almost too carefully. ]
It's a mutual dislike.
[ But the thing is, Dean wouldn't be happy with anyone else. He'd throw a silent fit no matter who he was stuck with, no matter how kind and honest and good they were, it wouldn't mean a single thing. ]
[ cas isn't really expecting much, but dean came here for a reason, and he's relatively sure that it means he needs something, a calming presence, to work something through. but dean is difficult even when he's being forthcoming, and cas can't just barrel into it. he's got to be slow, sensitive, like untying a tangled knot. he needs to be patient, and yielding.
so he doesn't press, doesn't pry, only smiles fondly and pillows his head in the crook of one elbow. ]
Mm, I'm sure. Well, try not to get into too many fights, huh? Don't want to have to peel you off the walls of your ship.
[ Dean wants to say it. He can't do this, he doesn't know how, he fucked it all up, he knows. But it's as if the words are pressurized in his skull, can't figure out how to shake themselves to freedom when they're shoved too hard up against the edges. It's unendingly frustrating, his own silence a cavernous thing, and most of the time he despises it enough in the face of others that he simply walks away. But he's here, and he wants to speak, and so all he can do is stay. ]
I'm not staying there.
[ It's a start, even if it begs a hundred more questions. Still, Dean up and folds his arms over his chest defensively, preparing himself for whatever is about to come. ]
[ there's quite a lot left unsaid indeed, between the both of them, things that cas knows need to come out because right now everything between them is a festering boil just waiting to burst. dean's never been good at talking, and cas doesn't expect him to get good at it now, but there are things that need saying now that even they can't ignore, that stick in his throat like a burr.
it'll come out. it's got to. cas affords dean his distance and privacy but there are things he needs to know, questions he has to ask. this is.. as good a start as any. ]
Oh yeah?
[ it's not entirely unexpected. dean's not great with people he doesn't know and trust, and while they'd taken in refugees all the time back at camp, there was a core group of them, a knot of trust, and launching dean into a situation packed with entirely familiar faces.. well, it isn't ideal. they'd stuck together, back there, it was important, it was essential. they might not be at war here, but it's still no less essential. how to address it without getting dean all prickly, though - that's the tough part. best just not to assume, he supposes. be straightforward. ]
[ Dean knows that in a certain regard, this is entirely his fault. That he put them in this situation and now has to face the repercussions he never wanted to begin with. This was never supposed to be their end. It's a conversation they need to have, all the words they need to say stuck between them, and he'll get there. He keeps telling himself they will, he just doesn't know how to give it over all too easily.
In comparison, this is almost simple.
Although, Dean isn't so sure about that either, considering the number of seconds it takes for him to up and say the actual point of the matter, gaze rolling towards Cas for a second. ]
I'm planning on finding a place here.
[ Okay, sarcasm is as good of an introduction as any but Dean looks away quickly enough, jaw setting stiffly. And even though he knows exactly what he wants to say, he still goes for the sideways response. ]
You might've made nice with Sam but, Cas- that is not a road I ever wanted to go down again.
[ cas is quiet for a moment, thoughtful; sometimes handling dean feels like handling a wary dog. even if you're slow and familiar, one quick wrong move and you get yourself bitten and the dog runs off and you're back to building up from square one again.
so now's really not the time to be snarky or sharp.
taking a deep breath, cas sighs, low and soft, then finally draws himself up to sit forward, beside dean, their shoulders touching in a show of solidarity. ]
I know you don't. And that's fine, if that's your choice. You know I'm not going to push you.
[ even if he still thinks it's.. sad. they're brothers, still, even across space and time and dimension, and sam - he's a good guy. dean could see that too, if he could get past all of his shit. cas just has to hope that in time he'll figure that out on his own. ]
[ Dean knows Cas won't push, even if it happens to be the only thing he truly wants to do. Cas only argues when it's pertinent, never when it comes to coping methods. It's taken time to figure out what buttons they can push without going over the deep end for either of them and now it's simply a steady path they walk. Even if Dean still remains a hot button no matter the day.
Remaining still save for the way he leans back against Cas' shoulder, all Dean wants is to rant and rave about how he's the odd man out in the situation and there's only cruelty to be found in that, but he shuts his mouth for as long as he can stand. ]
Means I get stuck.
[ Without you.
Because in no way does Sam need Cas the way he does, that he knows. Except Dean has put himself in this corner, and he doesn't quite know how to force himself out of it. ]
[ cas can't help the heaviness of his sigh, and he drags a hand over his face in mild exasperation because dean did paint himself into a corner here with his own stubbornness and pride.
facing sam.. it's not easy, he knows, most especially for dean. with the history they've got, he can't blame dean for wanting to keep his distance even if, in all honesty, that's what fucked them in the first place. he's learned enough about the alternate timeline, where sam's from to know that they're stronger together, that keeping their distance had ultimately harmed them.
it's too soon to bring all that up, though. dean's still reeling with shellshock from home, he's still trying to find his footing in this new place, he doesn't have the capacity to even consider the possibility of mending things with sam. but it leaves them stuck like this, strangely apart and there's no fixing it if dean's not willing to stay here, and live in any kind of proximity with sam.
.. cas could leave, he knows. go to wherever dean is. and honestly, if dean would ask, he would, of course he would, because dean's his best friend no matter what, his leader and his confidante, and just because everything ended back home doesn't mean that cas will stop following him. but he's made friends here, he fits in well with his shipmates, likes them, likes the little space he's carved out for himself. ]
You know you can come by any time you want. I'm always gonna be around for you, Dean.
[ The temptation to get up and go is like a solid punch to the gut. He's suddenly not so sure if he's capable of having this conversation, of coping with the fact that he doesn't know where the hell he's supposed to be. Because while he's fairly sure that his place is not the ship he's managed to find himself stuck on, he doesn't know if he can go it on this one either. Or, more accurately, if he could go it without trying to take Sam's head off on a daily basis.
Well aware that he's frustrating Cas doesn't exactly make him feel any better, watching him drag his hand down his face out of the corner of his eye as he remains stubbornly silent. It's all Dean can do to keep himself planted, giving the foot of the bunk the thousand yard stare.
There's no easy answer to this, and most of all, Dean knows better than to ask Cas to come with him. He found a little place here and it'd be unendingly unfair of him to drag him away. Besides, Cas deserves to be somewhere he is not for once, give him room to breathe and be away from the sole person who ruined everything. Why should Dean force him to be near when all he is, is a destructive force.
Except now, Dean has no idea what to say. What he's supposed to do to make it even remotely bearable when he's so far past that he can't real it on in. And so he chooses to remain silent, knowing that anything he could muster would get him into a by far worse situation, a consequence that he's downright terrified of when he's already past his threshold. ]
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I'm not spending tonight at another damn bar.
[ One can only hope that's worthy of... something. Though it probably just means he's tired of getting kicked out of them. ]
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but cas knows him. ]
You c'n come visit, if you want. [ he says, words still slow and groggy. ] 'S pretty quiet.
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It's all Dean can do to say yes please then and there but he manages to refrain, still glancing off as he tries to think. It's not as if he's searching for a way to say no, but he's looking for a way to convince himself that this - beyond the booze and the fistfights - is a perfectly acceptable way to cope. ]
You gonna fall back asleep?
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Mm, maybe. No promises.
[ shutup and come over anyway. ]
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I need anything special to get on board?
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Nope, just beam yourself on over to the bridge. If you've got a Communications officer on board, they should be able to tell you how to get it done.
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But seriously, beam himself. Dean's not sure how much more ridiculous this is going to get. ]
Give me a few minutes.
[ With that he disconnects to go figure this out. Which doesn't take too terribly long considering the people on board his own ship don't completely despise him yet. And Dean is just always so convincing..... Anyway, he eventually manages the whole thing and finds himself smoothly beamed onto the Red Fish, momentarily suspicious as he glances around, looking for Cas in an instant. ]
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so it's with great effort that he drags himself out of his bed and stumbles up to the bridge, all rumpled and groggy, pillow lines pressed into his face, eyes red and hooded. he's leaning bonelessly against the wall when dean appears, and cas greets him with a wide yawn and a lazy smile. ]
Hey, you figured it out.
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Not a whole lot of other options.
[ That, and he has more incentive than he knows what to do with. But after another moment he makes his way on over, his gaze silently tracking along the walls. ]
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S'pose not. But you could've confused the transport with the airlock, and that would've been messy.
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[ And Dean is following without question to the contrary, easily letting Cas lead the way as he follows along behind him. Besides, it gives him a chance to look around, note differences, take in Cas' surroundings compared to his own. ]
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So, tired of slinging your fists at people down below?
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Except that's why he's here.
Waiting for Cas to get his water, Dean simply carries on along until he's watching him toss himself back into his bunk, standing sentinel to the side. ]
For today. See how I feel about it again tomorrow.
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.. and honestly, cas can't blame him. he might make it look easy, with his loose smiles and easy charm, how he's ingratiated himself with his shipmates, but it's mostly all a front. cas doesn't feel any more in place here then dean does, but then, cas hasn't felt like he's known what home felt like since he's fallen. he doesn't really fit anywhere anymore. he's not an angel, he's not a human, or a monster, he's some bastard in-between mix and the universe hates mutts. dean, though, he's the closest thing to home that cas has.
drinking deep, he leans back against the wall behind him, lifting his eyebrows at dean over the rim of the glass. ]
Yeah, fair enough. You just gonna stand there with your thumb up your ass, or sit down?
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And if there's one person in the world who could get away with remarking on it, it's Cas. Anyone else would be witnessing Dean's turned back right around now, but Cas has by far earned the right to poke at him, no matter the reason. He's the only one who has, and it's because of that he silently rolls his eyes before angling slightly to drop down onto the edge of the bed, scooting his way up further next to Cas. ]
Quit your bitching.
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May as well ask me to stop breathing.
[ because you definitely can't take the sass out of cas, that's for damn sure. especially not now. gulping another mouthful of water, cas leans to set his glass down on the little bedside shelf, then flops comfortably, effortless as a cat. holding his silence for a moment, cas's brows draw thoughtfully together, and his voice is a little quieter, a little more careful when he speaks again. ]
How you holdin' up? Giving your shipmates a hard time?
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It's a mutual dislike.
[ But the thing is, Dean wouldn't be happy with anyone else. He'd throw a silent fit no matter who he was stuck with, no matter how kind and honest and good they were, it wouldn't mean a single thing. ]
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so he doesn't press, doesn't pry, only smiles fondly and pillows his head in the crook of one elbow. ]
Mm, I'm sure. Well, try not to get into too many fights, huh? Don't want to have to peel you off the walls of your ship.
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I'm not staying there.
[ It's a start, even if it begs a hundred more questions. Still, Dean up and folds his arms over his chest defensively, preparing himself for whatever is about to come. ]
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it'll come out. it's got to. cas affords dean his distance and privacy but there are things he needs to know, questions he has to ask. this is.. as good a start as any. ]
Oh yeah?
[ it's not entirely unexpected. dean's not great with people he doesn't know and trust, and while they'd taken in refugees all the time back at camp, there was a core group of them, a knot of trust, and launching dean into a situation packed with entirely familiar faces.. well, it isn't ideal. they'd stuck together, back there, it was important, it was essential. they might not be at war here, but it's still no less essential. how to address it without getting dean all prickly, though - that's the tough part. best just not to assume, he supposes. be straightforward. ]
So what are you gonna do?
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In comparison, this is almost simple.
Although, Dean isn't so sure about that either, considering the number of seconds it takes for him to up and say the actual point of the matter, gaze rolling towards Cas for a second. ]
I'm planning on finding a place here.
[ Okay, sarcasm is as good of an introduction as any but Dean looks away quickly enough, jaw setting stiffly. And even though he knows exactly what he wants to say, he still goes for the sideways response. ]
You might've made nice with Sam but, Cas- that is not a road I ever wanted to go down again.
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so now's really not the time to be snarky or sharp.
taking a deep breath, cas sighs, low and soft, then finally draws himself up to sit forward, beside dean, their shoulders touching in a show of solidarity. ]
I know you don't. And that's fine, if that's your choice. You know I'm not going to push you.
[ even if he still thinks it's.. sad. they're brothers, still, even across space and time and dimension, and sam - he's a good guy. dean could see that too, if he could get past all of his shit. cas just has to hope that in time he'll figure that out on his own. ]
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Remaining still save for the way he leans back against Cas' shoulder, all Dean wants is to rant and rave about how he's the odd man out in the situation and there's only cruelty to be found in that, but he shuts his mouth for as long as he can stand. ]
Means I get stuck.
[ Without you.
Because in no way does Sam need Cas the way he does, that he knows. Except Dean has put himself in this corner, and he doesn't quite know how to force himself out of it. ]
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facing sam.. it's not easy, he knows, most especially for dean. with the history they've got, he can't blame dean for wanting to keep his distance even if, in all honesty, that's what fucked them in the first place. he's learned enough about the alternate timeline, where sam's from to know that they're stronger together, that keeping their distance had ultimately harmed them.
it's too soon to bring all that up, though. dean's still reeling with shellshock from home, he's still trying to find his footing in this new place, he doesn't have the capacity to even consider the possibility of mending things with sam. but it leaves them stuck like this, strangely apart and there's no fixing it if dean's not willing to stay here, and live in any kind of proximity with sam.
.. cas could leave, he knows. go to wherever dean is. and honestly, if dean would ask, he would, of course he would, because dean's his best friend no matter what, his leader and his confidante, and just because everything ended back home doesn't mean that cas will stop following him. but he's made friends here, he fits in well with his shipmates, likes them, likes the little space he's carved out for himself. ]
You know you can come by any time you want. I'm always gonna be around for you, Dean.
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Well aware that he's frustrating Cas doesn't exactly make him feel any better, watching him drag his hand down his face out of the corner of his eye as he remains stubbornly silent. It's all Dean can do to keep himself planted, giving the foot of the bunk the thousand yard stare.
There's no easy answer to this, and most of all, Dean knows better than to ask Cas to come with him. He found a little place here and it'd be unendingly unfair of him to drag him away. Besides, Cas deserves to be somewhere he is not for once, give him room to breathe and be away from the sole person who ruined everything. Why should Dean force him to be near when all he is, is a destructive force.
Except now, Dean has no idea what to say. What he's supposed to do to make it even remotely bearable when he's so far past that he can't real it on in. And so he chooses to remain silent, knowing that anything he could muster would get him into a by far worse situation, a consequence that he's downright terrified of when he's already past his threshold. ]
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