[ Dean wants to say it. He can't do this, he doesn't know how, he fucked it all up, he knows. But it's as if the words are pressurized in his skull, can't figure out how to shake themselves to freedom when they're shoved too hard up against the edges. It's unendingly frustrating, his own silence a cavernous thing, and most of the time he despises it enough in the face of others that he simply walks away. But he's here, and he wants to speak, and so all he can do is stay. ]
I'm not staying there.
[ It's a start, even if it begs a hundred more questions. Still, Dean up and folds his arms over his chest defensively, preparing himself for whatever is about to come. ]
[ there's quite a lot left unsaid indeed, between the both of them, things that cas knows need to come out because right now everything between them is a festering boil just waiting to burst. dean's never been good at talking, and cas doesn't expect him to get good at it now, but there are things that need saying now that even they can't ignore, that stick in his throat like a burr.
it'll come out. it's got to. cas affords dean his distance and privacy but there are things he needs to know, questions he has to ask. this is.. as good a start as any. ]
Oh yeah?
[ it's not entirely unexpected. dean's not great with people he doesn't know and trust, and while they'd taken in refugees all the time back at camp, there was a core group of them, a knot of trust, and launching dean into a situation packed with entirely familiar faces.. well, it isn't ideal. they'd stuck together, back there, it was important, it was essential. they might not be at war here, but it's still no less essential. how to address it without getting dean all prickly, though - that's the tough part. best just not to assume, he supposes. be straightforward. ]
[ Dean knows that in a certain regard, this is entirely his fault. That he put them in this situation and now has to face the repercussions he never wanted to begin with. This was never supposed to be their end. It's a conversation they need to have, all the words they need to say stuck between them, and he'll get there. He keeps telling himself they will, he just doesn't know how to give it over all too easily.
In comparison, this is almost simple.
Although, Dean isn't so sure about that either, considering the number of seconds it takes for him to up and say the actual point of the matter, gaze rolling towards Cas for a second. ]
I'm planning on finding a place here.
[ Okay, sarcasm is as good of an introduction as any but Dean looks away quickly enough, jaw setting stiffly. And even though he knows exactly what he wants to say, he still goes for the sideways response. ]
You might've made nice with Sam but, Cas- that is not a road I ever wanted to go down again.
[ cas is quiet for a moment, thoughtful; sometimes handling dean feels like handling a wary dog. even if you're slow and familiar, one quick wrong move and you get yourself bitten and the dog runs off and you're back to building up from square one again.
so now's really not the time to be snarky or sharp.
taking a deep breath, cas sighs, low and soft, then finally draws himself up to sit forward, beside dean, their shoulders touching in a show of solidarity. ]
I know you don't. And that's fine, if that's your choice. You know I'm not going to push you.
[ even if he still thinks it's.. sad. they're brothers, still, even across space and time and dimension, and sam - he's a good guy. dean could see that too, if he could get past all of his shit. cas just has to hope that in time he'll figure that out on his own. ]
[ Dean knows Cas won't push, even if it happens to be the only thing he truly wants to do. Cas only argues when it's pertinent, never when it comes to coping methods. It's taken time to figure out what buttons they can push without going over the deep end for either of them and now it's simply a steady path they walk. Even if Dean still remains a hot button no matter the day.
Remaining still save for the way he leans back against Cas' shoulder, all Dean wants is to rant and rave about how he's the odd man out in the situation and there's only cruelty to be found in that, but he shuts his mouth for as long as he can stand. ]
Means I get stuck.
[ Without you.
Because in no way does Sam need Cas the way he does, that he knows. Except Dean has put himself in this corner, and he doesn't quite know how to force himself out of it. ]
[ cas can't help the heaviness of his sigh, and he drags a hand over his face in mild exasperation because dean did paint himself into a corner here with his own stubbornness and pride.
facing sam.. it's not easy, he knows, most especially for dean. with the history they've got, he can't blame dean for wanting to keep his distance even if, in all honesty, that's what fucked them in the first place. he's learned enough about the alternate timeline, where sam's from to know that they're stronger together, that keeping their distance had ultimately harmed them.
it's too soon to bring all that up, though. dean's still reeling with shellshock from home, he's still trying to find his footing in this new place, he doesn't have the capacity to even consider the possibility of mending things with sam. but it leaves them stuck like this, strangely apart and there's no fixing it if dean's not willing to stay here, and live in any kind of proximity with sam.
.. cas could leave, he knows. go to wherever dean is. and honestly, if dean would ask, he would, of course he would, because dean's his best friend no matter what, his leader and his confidante, and just because everything ended back home doesn't mean that cas will stop following him. but he's made friends here, he fits in well with his shipmates, likes them, likes the little space he's carved out for himself. ]
You know you can come by any time you want. I'm always gonna be around for you, Dean.
[ The temptation to get up and go is like a solid punch to the gut. He's suddenly not so sure if he's capable of having this conversation, of coping with the fact that he doesn't know where the hell he's supposed to be. Because while he's fairly sure that his place is not the ship he's managed to find himself stuck on, he doesn't know if he can go it on this one either. Or, more accurately, if he could go it without trying to take Sam's head off on a daily basis.
Well aware that he's frustrating Cas doesn't exactly make him feel any better, watching him drag his hand down his face out of the corner of his eye as he remains stubbornly silent. It's all Dean can do to keep himself planted, giving the foot of the bunk the thousand yard stare.
There's no easy answer to this, and most of all, Dean knows better than to ask Cas to come with him. He found a little place here and it'd be unendingly unfair of him to drag him away. Besides, Cas deserves to be somewhere he is not for once, give him room to breathe and be away from the sole person who ruined everything. Why should Dean force him to be near when all he is, is a destructive force.
Except now, Dean has no idea what to say. What he's supposed to do to make it even remotely bearable when he's so far past that he can't real it on in. And so he chooses to remain silent, knowing that anything he could muster would get him into a by far worse situation, a consequence that he's downright terrified of when he's already past his threshold. ]
[ of course dean doesn't answer, he's stiffly stoic as always which is frustrating in its own right because cas has never really had a difficult time spilling his heart. even five years ago when he was a different creature, honestly came to him easily enough, and he might not have been initially forthcoming but he's never had so much trouble as dean does when it comes to discussing difficult topics.
but dean is dean, he's always been dean, and cas will always be patient with him.
he's not sure what to say, though. there's not much to say, no real way to rectify this and cas hates that, he's built his life around assisting dean, holding him up and keeping him strong, being reliable, being the rock he needs to lean on. not being able to achieve that readily is.. upsetting.
after a moment, cas shifts and slides an arm around dean's back, another around his front and tugs him into a strong, tight hug, hands grasping in dean's jacket, white-knuckled. it's all he can do, all he can give and honestly, for all he's trying to be tough for dean here cas needs this too, he's needed it from the moment dean showed his face here in the fleet. ]
[ If Dean could magically come up with the right words, he would. In an instant. But everything feels as if it'll ruin the situation more than he's already screwed it, that he'll do somehow infinitely more wrong by Cas no matter what he tries to say. He just can't make it easy, and in a horrifying way, he almost misses home in that it's a thing he can recognize. This feels so far out of his hands that he doesn't know how to reach for it, and he's sorry. He is. He's sorry he got it all so wrong.
Despite all his efforts to keep himself somehow removed, Cas shoves it all away without words, wraps him up in a hug without question and pulls him close. Dean blinks a few times, not entirely surprised by it but trying to resist for a good few seconds before he finally sinks into it, nose shoved to Cas' shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut tight. At least there's nothing complicated to this, it doesn't have to be such a struggle to understand, to work his way through. Cas is warm and solid and still there, and he's sure that has to be enough.
But by god, it still hurts, and Dean buries his way in closer, clinging tight enough that he's sure he might break from it. ]
[ cas isn't sure how dean's going to react, if he's going to shrug away or lean into it hungrily, though considering dean came to him, considering how desperate he is, cas is expecting the latter. that dean's here at all, trying, means he's hurting badly, means he needs this; still, cas breathes a slow, shaky inhale when it's reciprocated, nonetheless.
dean clings so tight that it's heartbreaking, and cas's expression crumples a little, his brows drawing tightly together, arms grasping harder as if to reinforce that he's here, that even if it feels like they're still separated somehow, cas isn't going anywhere. he's never going anywhere. ]
What is it you want, then?
[ forward honesty doesn't always work with dean, but sometimes it does, and it's all he's got right now, all he can manage, because dancing around the subject isn't going to be helpful for either of them.
cas pulls back a little, but keeps a hand clasped to dean's shoulder anyway, and he knocks their foreheads together with a soft, slanted smile. ]
[ Dean keeps thinking that what he wants should be obvious, should somehow not be a thing that he has to say out loud. But Cas can't read his mind and for that, Dean doesn't fault him, never would. And even if he could, it's still his duty to make his words known, even if they struggle to exist in the first place. It's his responsibility to be forthright before anyone else, and that can't be a fact that changes just because he feels hopelessly lost.
Except for when he's with Cas.
It's a fact he can't turn on its head, a thing that's been true for years. So why fight so hard from a distance? Dean tries to speak for a moment but finds himself clamping his jaw shut again when Cas knocks their forehead together, just trying to find his own breath when he cracks under the weight of Cas' insufferably encouraging smile. As much as he wants to look away, disconnect, he is right here, with it, right where he wants to be. ]
Yeah, well-
[ There's no retorts left, stupid or otherwise, even as Dean tries to grab for words other than I missed you too, fingers curling tighter into the back of Cas' shirt. He's sure that Cas might disintegrate under his touch for all he's gotten wrong, and all he wants at the end of the day is to keep an eye on him. To make sure he's still there. Always there. ]
[ cas gets it. they've been watching each other's backs for so long now that it's just become second nature, and while they didn't share a cabin, the camp wasn't particularly big, and if anything happened, if all hell broke loose it was just a few seconds sprinting to find one another.
here, though - while it might be easy enough to beam between ships, there's a lot more space between them than they're used to, and there's no way to sprint that distance should their technology fail them. it's a nervous chasm, and cas doesn't like it either, would like nothing more to keep an eye on dean right back, but what's to be done if dean's refusing to budge, can't bring himself to be civil with sam?
.. cas certainly doesn't blame him, but still. ]
Yeah, I want you here too, but.. if you can't, you can't.
[ chewing the inside of his cheek, cas hesitates for a moment before continuing. ]
You know, I could uh.. just come to your ship, if that's what you want. If it'll help.
[ even if he'd, you know, much prefer dean to be here instead. ]
[ Dean almost feels worse the second Cas says it, that he'd come if Dean called. That he'd hop to in a heartbeat if that was what Dean demanded of him. And while it's undoubtedly tempting, a potential solution that Dean can't rightly look over, he won't let it happen, either. Not because he doesn't want it, but because Cas has every right to stay where he's comfortable.
Cas has had more than enough time to figure out where he'd like to be at this point, and it's not a disruption Dean feels egotistical enough to make. Maybe were they home, maybe had he not allowed them all to die- he doesn't know. And if guilt is the only reason he's refusing the option, then it's still a damn good reason and Dean stares forward, gaze trained onto Cas. ]
Shut up, it's not what I want.
[ But that's the altogether easy thing to say, before Dean's gaze skirts lower and he all but holds his breath, jaw tightening with further agitation. Because the solution to this is falling squarely on his shoulders, and isn't that always the way it goes? He can't ever seem to escape the choices he has to make, the things he has to do while simultaneously numbing himself from the inside out. ]
I'll talk to Sam.
[ One can only hope he doesn't implode in the process, a consequence he might be truly mulling over. ]
[ a little knot of tension in his gut unravels when dean turns him down. much as cas is always willing to follow dean to the ends of the earth and beyond, it's true, he is comfortable here, even if he feels a little better for having offered it just to say he's done everything that he can.
.. still doesn't give them a solution, though.
dean's clamping up, though, in that way he does when he's knuckling down, making a decision he doesn't want to make, forcing himself through a hole. i'll talk to sam, he says, and cas can't help the way his brows shoot up nearly to his hairline. the hand on dean's shoulder remains tight and sure, but cas sits back to more fully look into his face, to read the tight expression there, to gauge the hardness in dean's downturned eyes. ]
.. yeah.
[ he says, after a brief pause. a hundred thoughts go through his mind, and more than a few warning bells ring loud in his ears; this could so easily be disastrous, but then.. when aren't their lives disastrous? even before they'd made the choice to split up, sam and dean had always been bickering, arguing, dragging their drama back and forth with no end in sight, but you know, cas would rather them be arguing, and together, than cold and apart. dean won't warm to sam easily, hell, might not ever warm to him fully - those bridges are long since burned, but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth a shot. a strained, brittle relationship is better than no relationship at all. ]
[ Really, Cas' expression doesn't exactly speak of the utmost confidence in the idea, but it's not as if Dean has much in it, either. All he can figure is that it'll go catastrophically wrong, that it won't solve a single thing and he'll simply be back at square one with even fewer options. It's an accident waiting to happen, the worst kind, and while Dean has all the dire need in the world for it to go well, he still has little faith in it. Even considering Sam's enthusiasm - if you could call it that - when it comes to communication between them, Dean just doesn't see it being a conversation that will end well.
Except right now, this time, he needs it to.
Trying to loosen up in his own words, Dean heaves a breath, not entirely sure if he should let go of Cas so he can remove himself fully or allow himself to keep on clinging with all the silent needs he hasn't had the opportunity to pass along. ]
Yeah, we'll see.
[ Good ideas aren't exactly his forte, something he wants to say, wants to admit me to but doesn't think he could handle the conversation that would need to come after. Because even while it' s a conversation that needs to be had, it's one thing at a time, and right now- right now it's his inability to deal with Sam that's on the table. Even that is its own struggle, Dean's own personal fight against his past and the moments that lead to his death and he'd be lying if he said that every time he looked at Sam, he didn't see his last few seconds. But he keeps telling himself that's inconsequential and so one day he's sure to believe it, except he finally looks back to Cas, trying to remain ever stoic. ]
[ maybe it isn't a good idea. maybe dean will just fuck it all up, because he's hot tempered and impatient and has years of righteous anger behind him to complicate everything he touches.
but dean's the one who taught him that you try anyway. even if the odds are shit, even if it's most likely going to blow up in your face, you give it your best damned shot anyway because it's all you can do, because it's always worth it. and sure, they've screwed up so many major decisions that it's almost laughable that they're still going to try for more, but he supposes that the two of them.. they just don't know when to quit. ]
Heh, maybe.
[ cas says with a grin, dropping both hands back to his lap, one leg tucked under him so he can stay leaning close and comfortable. ]
But you know, maybe not. Worth a shot, right? Just, you know.. keep an open mind.
[ Just that he somehow doubts he'll get through it without wanting to punch Sam in the head again by the end. He supposes the very idea is somehow progress itself, an almost disturbing idea considering where he started. But if he truly wants this, wants to let himself find comfort in at least one thing, then there isn't any other choice. And so no matter what, he's willing to give it a go.
Canting to the side slightly as he once again leans back up against the headboard, Dean drops his face slightly, rubbing his fingers against his eyes ]
Can't even sleep here.
[ It's a stupid sidebar but it's worthy of frustration. That, and it apparently needlessly annoys his captain of the moment, the endless pacing and the unwillingness to sit his ass down for two seconds. It doesn't really help matters that closing his eyes means seeing Lucifer and that trying to nod off is a paranoid reminder of the disaster he's left festering at home. It's all enough to leave him feeling cataclysmically distraught, guilty enough that the ships halls are worth pacing through at night.
But at least he figures admitting to it means something, not that he knows what. ]
[ that dean's got too much nervous energy to sleep easily comes as no real surprise. they're not 'safe', after all, they have no control, and while cas might handle it decently, he knows that that's never really been dean's cup of tea. he's damn finicky. for all intents and purposes they've been kidnapped, after all, and that doesn't sit well with guys like dean. doesn't sit well with most people. ]
Yeah, it took me awhile to get comfortable, too.
[ a shrug. ]
Try the cargo hold. It's quiet in there. But yeah you kinda look like shit.
[ Dean has in no way forgotten that they've been kidnapped, but in a weird sort of way, it's not at the complete forefront of his mind. All his other paranoias are more fervently popping to the surface, taking hold and shaking him around just for their own benefit. But when he does think on it, it's just one more thing to find himself getting upset over, as if he really needs to add more to the plate.
Rolling his eyes in Cas' direction, Dean stares for a good long second, offering him a perpetually annoyed look. ]
Looking good isn't a top priority.
[ Not that he knows what is a top priority apart from getting onto Cas' ship. To only further impress upon the point, he knocks into Cas gently before looking away again. ]
You've got better sleeping arrangements than us. [ Which is to say communal bunks is so not a thing that is happening with Dean. ]
[ cas supposes he might be more upset about it if he weren't, you know, dead. and it feels.. so incredibly selfish, but he's kind of glad for it, in a way that feels kind of slimy. because being dead - it means he's done all he can, right? it means he doesn't have to try to get back because that ship has sailed, his stint there is over and done, he's done his time, paid the price for his sins.
that's what he tries to tell himself, at least. but cas can't swallow it entirely, because there were people still left behind, an earth ruined and overrun by demons, and for all intents and purposes he should be trying to get back, trying to help more, to give and give until there's no spirit left to be pulled away into.. strange alternate dimensions.
he'll choke that all down with a smile, though. ]
Oh yeah? You got those, uh.. bunk beds?
[ he can't help but snicker, because imagining dean bunking up and getting cozy with his shipmates is just hysterical okay. man needs his privacy. cas shrugs, though, glancing over his broad bed, the little table, the shelf. honestly, he gets it. having four walls to yourself can be.. necessary. cas has learned the importance of that, these past five years. ]
Stay over, if you want. I don't always use the bed anyway.
[ Dean would like to pretend he hasn't yet gotten to the part where he can even consider his own death. It's something he wishes he could skirt past on every given occasion, wishes he could shove to the furthest corners of his head and leave it to rot for another day. But that's just not how it works when his mind lets it froth to the surface near every other minute, a reminder that he failed so extraordinarily that finding himself worthy of anything is damn near impossible.
It's what made this hardest of all, letting himself settle when he doesn't deserve it. Letting himself have this when he doesn't deserve it. But he just can't crumble either, even if it's all he wants to do. Because there is always something to fight against, no matter if it means losing everything all over again.
Just let Cas keep this even if he's the one who has to give it all away. Give Cas one goddamn thing. ]
Bunk beds? [ Dean's eyebrows raise; skeptical yet somehow thankful that's not his arrangement either. ] Try barracks. Like a fucking sleepover.
[ Tracking Cas' gaze around his room, he stares down at the bed given as an offering, not entirely sure what to do with the prospects. If he's allowed, if he should, if that would somehow break all the rules he's created for himself. Not to mention- it's still Cas' space. ]
[ cas grins like a cat and laughs, easy and loose, because imagining dean functioning at a sleepover is frankly just hilarious. the red fish might be smaller than a lot of ships, and lacking in a few things (though it's certainly better now that their ranks are filled more evenly), but having rooms of their own is a definite plus. cas got used to his own cabin, after all, has learned the value of privacy, likes to have a place to hide out in the quiet when he needs it. it's good.
so it's probably pretty shitty for dean, actually, to not have that, to feel hemmed in on all sides always with no real escape. it's enough to make someone stir-crazy, let along a hair-triggery apocalypse vet. ]
I didn't mean forever.
[ he corrects with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, leaning forward until his elbows are resting on his knees. ]
Just, you know, when you need it. If you need some quiet to get your shit together, and have some walls to yourself for once.
[ Oh yeah, laugh it up buddy. Dean might find it more amusing if he wasn't living in the middle of it and truth be told, he's about a hot second away from migrating his ass onto the moon. It's just one more reason he isn't dealing well, and the constant temptation to remove the people around him really just adds to the constant feel of chaos.
Dean still isn't sure why he doesn't want to take Cas' room, though. Can't figure out if it's because he feels like he owes him far too much, that Cas should never have to offer him anything. Or if there's some other sinking feeling he can't muster to the surface, something else guilt ridden and unsure. He just doesn't know, but somehow feels as if he's intruding in ways he shouldn't be allowed, even if Cas wants to share. ]
It's yours, Cas. Even when you're not in it.
[ Besides, how often did Dean spend his days drinking in the damn storage shed. It's as good of an excuse as any: I don't need the luxury of this. I can do without. Even as his gaze hones forward, focused on unspoken apologies. ]
[ what's your damned point, winchester? sure, maybe cas makes too much of a habit of giving dean what he wants, even if he's gotten worlds better about it, yeah, there's always gonna be a part of him that wants to give until he's got nothing left.
but that's not exactly what's at work, here. dean's his best friend, and he's in an uncomfortable situation, so if cas can help alleviate some of that pressure without really inconveniencing himself too much, then why the hell not? honestly, a calmer, more collected dean is better for everyone, so if holing up in a quiet room every once in awhile will help his mood, as far as cas is concerned, everyone wins. ]
[ For a few moments, Dean's gaze averts upwards, almost exasperated but not quite. He's well aware it's a stupid thing to even try to argue about, a thing he should give into straight away because comfort itself is a hard thing to deny. But he can't quite give it up. ]
Will it make you feel better if I do?
[ Looking over to Cas, brow furrowed in quiet interest, Dean's not entirely sure in what sense he's asking. It's not as if this is a thing that should even tear Cas up inside, compared to near everything else they've been through - it's comical to think that Dean's refusal might be upsetting him. Though he knows his question has nothing to do with whether or not it'll fix anything, because it won't, he simply has to wonder just what more he'd do now for Cas. More than what he ever would before. It's only that his last choices in life belie a number of his feelings, the fact that Cas is all he has no matter which way he looks at it, that Cas is the one being he cannot watch go. ]
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I'm not staying there.
[ It's a start, even if it begs a hundred more questions. Still, Dean up and folds his arms over his chest defensively, preparing himself for whatever is about to come. ]
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it'll come out. it's got to. cas affords dean his distance and privacy but there are things he needs to know, questions he has to ask. this is.. as good a start as any. ]
Oh yeah?
[ it's not entirely unexpected. dean's not great with people he doesn't know and trust, and while they'd taken in refugees all the time back at camp, there was a core group of them, a knot of trust, and launching dean into a situation packed with entirely familiar faces.. well, it isn't ideal. they'd stuck together, back there, it was important, it was essential. they might not be at war here, but it's still no less essential. how to address it without getting dean all prickly, though - that's the tough part. best just not to assume, he supposes. be straightforward. ]
So what are you gonna do?
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In comparison, this is almost simple.
Although, Dean isn't so sure about that either, considering the number of seconds it takes for him to up and say the actual point of the matter, gaze rolling towards Cas for a second. ]
I'm planning on finding a place here.
[ Okay, sarcasm is as good of an introduction as any but Dean looks away quickly enough, jaw setting stiffly. And even though he knows exactly what he wants to say, he still goes for the sideways response. ]
You might've made nice with Sam but, Cas- that is not a road I ever wanted to go down again.
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so now's really not the time to be snarky or sharp.
taking a deep breath, cas sighs, low and soft, then finally draws himself up to sit forward, beside dean, their shoulders touching in a show of solidarity. ]
I know you don't. And that's fine, if that's your choice. You know I'm not going to push you.
[ even if he still thinks it's.. sad. they're brothers, still, even across space and time and dimension, and sam - he's a good guy. dean could see that too, if he could get past all of his shit. cas just has to hope that in time he'll figure that out on his own. ]
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Remaining still save for the way he leans back against Cas' shoulder, all Dean wants is to rant and rave about how he's the odd man out in the situation and there's only cruelty to be found in that, but he shuts his mouth for as long as he can stand. ]
Means I get stuck.
[ Without you.
Because in no way does Sam need Cas the way he does, that he knows. Except Dean has put himself in this corner, and he doesn't quite know how to force himself out of it. ]
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facing sam.. it's not easy, he knows, most especially for dean. with the history they've got, he can't blame dean for wanting to keep his distance even if, in all honesty, that's what fucked them in the first place. he's learned enough about the alternate timeline, where sam's from to know that they're stronger together, that keeping their distance had ultimately harmed them.
it's too soon to bring all that up, though. dean's still reeling with shellshock from home, he's still trying to find his footing in this new place, he doesn't have the capacity to even consider the possibility of mending things with sam. but it leaves them stuck like this, strangely apart and there's no fixing it if dean's not willing to stay here, and live in any kind of proximity with sam.
.. cas could leave, he knows. go to wherever dean is. and honestly, if dean would ask, he would, of course he would, because dean's his best friend no matter what, his leader and his confidante, and just because everything ended back home doesn't mean that cas will stop following him. but he's made friends here, he fits in well with his shipmates, likes them, likes the little space he's carved out for himself. ]
You know you can come by any time you want. I'm always gonna be around for you, Dean.
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Well aware that he's frustrating Cas doesn't exactly make him feel any better, watching him drag his hand down his face out of the corner of his eye as he remains stubbornly silent. It's all Dean can do to keep himself planted, giving the foot of the bunk the thousand yard stare.
There's no easy answer to this, and most of all, Dean knows better than to ask Cas to come with him. He found a little place here and it'd be unendingly unfair of him to drag him away. Besides, Cas deserves to be somewhere he is not for once, give him room to breathe and be away from the sole person who ruined everything. Why should Dean force him to be near when all he is, is a destructive force.
Except now, Dean has no idea what to say. What he's supposed to do to make it even remotely bearable when he's so far past that he can't real it on in. And so he chooses to remain silent, knowing that anything he could muster would get him into a by far worse situation, a consequence that he's downright terrified of when he's already past his threshold. ]
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but dean is dean, he's always been dean, and cas will always be patient with him.
he's not sure what to say, though. there's not much to say, no real way to rectify this and cas hates that, he's built his life around assisting dean, holding him up and keeping him strong, being reliable, being the rock he needs to lean on. not being able to achieve that readily is.. upsetting.
after a moment, cas shifts and slides an arm around dean's back, another around his front and tugs him into a strong, tight hug, hands grasping in dean's jacket, white-knuckled. it's all he can do, all he can give and honestly, for all he's trying to be tough for dean here cas needs this too, he's needed it from the moment dean showed his face here in the fleet. ]
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Despite all his efforts to keep himself somehow removed, Cas shoves it all away without words, wraps him up in a hug without question and pulls him close. Dean blinks a few times, not entirely surprised by it but trying to resist for a good few seconds before he finally sinks into it, nose shoved to Cas' shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut tight. At least there's nothing complicated to this, it doesn't have to be such a struggle to understand, to work his way through. Cas is warm and solid and still there, and he's sure that has to be enough.
But by god, it still hurts, and Dean buries his way in closer, clinging tight enough that he's sure he might break from it. ]
I can't just come visit.
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dean clings so tight that it's heartbreaking, and cas's expression crumples a little, his brows drawing tightly together, arms grasping harder as if to reinforce that he's here, that even if it feels like they're still separated somehow, cas isn't going anywhere. he's never going anywhere. ]
What is it you want, then?
[ forward honesty doesn't always work with dean, but sometimes it does, and it's all he's got right now, all he can manage, because dancing around the subject isn't going to be helpful for either of them.
cas pulls back a little, but keeps a hand clasped to dean's shoulder anyway, and he knocks their foreheads together with a soft, slanted smile. ]
I missed your stupid ass, you know.
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Except for when he's with Cas.
It's a fact he can't turn on its head, a thing that's been true for years. So why fight so hard from a distance? Dean tries to speak for a moment but finds himself clamping his jaw shut again when Cas knocks their forehead together, just trying to find his own breath when he cracks under the weight of Cas' insufferably encouraging smile. As much as he wants to look away, disconnect, he is right here, with it, right where he wants to be. ]
Yeah, well-
[ There's no retorts left, stupid or otherwise, even as Dean tries to grab for words other than I missed you too, fingers curling tighter into the back of Cas' shirt. He's sure that Cas might disintegrate under his touch for all he's gotten wrong, and all he wants at the end of the day is to keep an eye on him. To make sure he's still there. Always there. ]
I want to be here.
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here, though - while it might be easy enough to beam between ships, there's a lot more space between them than they're used to, and there's no way to sprint that distance should their technology fail them. it's a nervous chasm, and cas doesn't like it either, would like nothing more to keep an eye on dean right back, but what's to be done if dean's refusing to budge, can't bring himself to be civil with sam?
.. cas certainly doesn't blame him, but still. ]
Yeah, I want you here too, but.. if you can't, you can't.
[ chewing the inside of his cheek, cas hesitates for a moment before continuing. ]
You know, I could uh.. just come to your ship, if that's what you want. If it'll help.
[ even if he'd, you know, much prefer dean to be here instead. ]
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Cas has had more than enough time to figure out where he'd like to be at this point, and it's not a disruption Dean feels egotistical enough to make. Maybe were they home, maybe had he not allowed them all to die- he doesn't know. And if guilt is the only reason he's refusing the option, then it's still a damn good reason and Dean stares forward, gaze trained onto Cas. ]
Shut up, it's not what I want.
[ But that's the altogether easy thing to say, before Dean's gaze skirts lower and he all but holds his breath, jaw tightening with further agitation. Because the solution to this is falling squarely on his shoulders, and isn't that always the way it goes? He can't ever seem to escape the choices he has to make, the things he has to do while simultaneously numbing himself from the inside out. ]
I'll talk to Sam.
[ One can only hope he doesn't implode in the process, a consequence he might be truly mulling over. ]
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.. still doesn't give them a solution, though.
dean's clamping up, though, in that way he does when he's knuckling down, making a decision he doesn't want to make, forcing himself through a hole. i'll talk to sam, he says, and cas can't help the way his brows shoot up nearly to his hairline. the hand on dean's shoulder remains tight and sure, but cas sits back to more fully look into his face, to read the tight expression there, to gauge the hardness in dean's downturned eyes. ]
.. yeah.
[ he says, after a brief pause. a hundred thoughts go through his mind, and more than a few warning bells ring loud in his ears; this could so easily be disastrous, but then.. when aren't their lives disastrous? even before they'd made the choice to split up, sam and dean had always been bickering, arguing, dragging their drama back and forth with no end in sight, but you know, cas would rather them be arguing, and together, than cold and apart. dean won't warm to sam easily, hell, might not ever warm to him fully - those bridges are long since burned, but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth a shot. a strained, brittle relationship is better than no relationship at all. ]
Good idea.
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Except right now, this time, he needs it to.
Trying to loosen up in his own words, Dean heaves a breath, not entirely sure if he should let go of Cas so he can remove himself fully or allow himself to keep on clinging with all the silent needs he hasn't had the opportunity to pass along. ]
Yeah, we'll see.
[ Good ideas aren't exactly his forte, something he wants to say, wants to admit me to but doesn't think he could handle the conversation that would need to come after. Because even while it' s a conversation that needs to be had, it's one thing at a time, and right now- right now it's his inability to deal with Sam that's on the table. Even that is its own struggle, Dean's own personal fight against his past and the moments that lead to his death and he'd be lying if he said that every time he looked at Sam, he didn't see his last few seconds. But he keeps telling himself that's inconsequential and so one day he's sure to believe it, except he finally looks back to Cas, trying to remain ever stoic. ]
Except i'm gonna fuck it up, right?
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but dean's the one who taught him that you try anyway. even if the odds are shit, even if it's most likely going to blow up in your face, you give it your best damned shot anyway because it's all you can do, because it's always worth it. and sure, they've screwed up so many major decisions that it's almost laughable that they're still going to try for more, but he supposes that the two of them.. they just don't know when to quit. ]
Heh, maybe.
[ cas says with a grin, dropping both hands back to his lap, one leg tucked under him so he can stay leaning close and comfortable. ]
But you know, maybe not. Worth a shot, right? Just, you know.. keep an open mind.
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[ Just that he somehow doubts he'll get through it without wanting to punch Sam in the head again by the end. He supposes the very idea is somehow progress itself, an almost disturbing idea considering where he started. But if he truly wants this, wants to let himself find comfort in at least one thing, then there isn't any other choice. And so no matter what, he's willing to give it a go.
Canting to the side slightly as he once again leans back up against the headboard, Dean drops his face slightly, rubbing his fingers against his eyes ]
Can't even sleep here.
[ It's a stupid sidebar but it's worthy of frustration. That, and it apparently needlessly annoys his captain of the moment, the endless pacing and the unwillingness to sit his ass down for two seconds. It doesn't really help matters that closing his eyes means seeing Lucifer and that trying to nod off is a paranoid reminder of the disaster he's left festering at home. It's all enough to leave him feeling cataclysmically distraught, guilty enough that the ships halls are worth pacing through at night.
But at least he figures admitting to it means something, not that he knows what. ]
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Yeah, it took me awhile to get comfortable, too.
[ a shrug. ]
Try the cargo hold. It's quiet in there. But yeah you kinda look like shit.
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Rolling his eyes in Cas' direction, Dean stares for a good long second, offering him a perpetually annoyed look. ]
Looking good isn't a top priority.
[ Not that he knows what is a top priority apart from getting onto Cas' ship. To only further impress upon the point, he knocks into Cas gently before looking away again. ]
You've got better sleeping arrangements than us. [ Which is to say communal bunks is so not a thing that is happening with Dean. ]
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that's what he tries to tell himself, at least. but cas can't swallow it entirely, because there were people still left behind, an earth ruined and overrun by demons, and for all intents and purposes he should be trying to get back, trying to help more, to give and give until there's no spirit left to be pulled away into.. strange alternate dimensions.
he'll choke that all down with a smile, though. ]
Oh yeah? You got those, uh.. bunk beds?
[ he can't help but snicker, because imagining dean bunking up and getting cozy with his shipmates is just hysterical okay. man needs his privacy. cas shrugs, though, glancing over his broad bed, the little table, the shelf. honestly, he gets it. having four walls to yourself can be.. necessary. cas has learned the importance of that, these past five years. ]
Stay over, if you want. I don't always use the bed anyway.
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It's what made this hardest of all, letting himself settle when he doesn't deserve it. Letting himself have this when he doesn't deserve it. But he just can't crumble either, even if it's all he wants to do. Because there is always something to fight against, no matter if it means losing everything all over again.
Just let Cas keep this even if he's the one who has to give it all away. Give Cas one goddamn thing. ]
Bunk beds? [ Dean's eyebrows raise; skeptical yet somehow thankful that's not his arrangement either. ] Try barracks. Like a fucking sleepover.
[ Tracking Cas' gaze around his room, he stares down at the bed given as an offering, not entirely sure what to do with the prospects. If he's allowed, if he should, if that would somehow break all the rules he's created for himself. Not to mention- it's still Cas' space. ]
I'm not taking your room.
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so it's probably pretty shitty for dean, actually, to not have that, to feel hemmed in on all sides always with no real escape. it's enough to make someone stir-crazy, let along a hair-triggery apocalypse vet. ]
I didn't mean forever.
[ he corrects with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, leaning forward until his elbows are resting on his knees. ]
Just, you know, when you need it. If you need some quiet to get your shit together, and have some walls to yourself for once.
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Dean still isn't sure why he doesn't want to take Cas' room, though. Can't figure out if it's because he feels like he owes him far too much, that Cas should never have to offer him anything. Or if there's some other sinking feeling he can't muster to the surface, something else guilt ridden and unsure. He just doesn't know, but somehow feels as if he's intruding in ways he shouldn't be allowed, even if Cas wants to share. ]
It's yours, Cas. Even when you're not in it.
[ Besides, how often did Dean spend his days drinking in the damn storage shed. It's as good of an excuse as any: I don't need the luxury of this. I can do without. Even as his gaze hones forward, focused on unspoken apologies. ]
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[ what's your damned point, winchester? sure, maybe cas makes too much of a habit of giving dean what he wants, even if he's gotten worlds better about it, yeah, there's always gonna be a part of him that wants to give until he's got nothing left.
but that's not exactly what's at work, here. dean's his best friend, and he's in an uncomfortable situation, so if cas can help alleviate some of that pressure without really inconveniencing himself too much, then why the hell not? honestly, a calmer, more collected dean is better for everyone, so if holing up in a quiet room every once in awhile will help his mood, as far as cas is concerned, everyone wins. ]
Stop being a stubborn ass. Just keep it in mind.
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Will it make you feel better if I do?
[ Looking over to Cas, brow furrowed in quiet interest, Dean's not entirely sure in what sense he's asking. It's not as if this is a thing that should even tear Cas up inside, compared to near everything else they've been through - it's comical to think that Dean's refusal might be upsetting him. Though he knows his question has nothing to do with whether or not it'll fix anything, because it won't, he simply has to wonder just what more he'd do now for Cas. More than what he ever would before. It's only that his last choices in life belie a number of his feelings, the fact that Cas is all he has no matter which way he looks at it, that Cas is the one being he cannot watch go. ]
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