[ of course dean doesn't answer, he's stiffly stoic as always which is frustrating in its own right because cas has never really had a difficult time spilling his heart. even five years ago when he was a different creature, honestly came to him easily enough, and he might not have been initially forthcoming but he's never had so much trouble as dean does when it comes to discussing difficult topics.
but dean is dean, he's always been dean, and cas will always be patient with him.
he's not sure what to say, though. there's not much to say, no real way to rectify this and cas hates that, he's built his life around assisting dean, holding him up and keeping him strong, being reliable, being the rock he needs to lean on. not being able to achieve that readily is.. upsetting.
after a moment, cas shifts and slides an arm around dean's back, another around his front and tugs him into a strong, tight hug, hands grasping in dean's jacket, white-knuckled. it's all he can do, all he can give and honestly, for all he's trying to be tough for dean here cas needs this too, he's needed it from the moment dean showed his face here in the fleet. ]
[ If Dean could magically come up with the right words, he would. In an instant. But everything feels as if it'll ruin the situation more than he's already screwed it, that he'll do somehow infinitely more wrong by Cas no matter what he tries to say. He just can't make it easy, and in a horrifying way, he almost misses home in that it's a thing he can recognize. This feels so far out of his hands that he doesn't know how to reach for it, and he's sorry. He is. He's sorry he got it all so wrong.
Despite all his efforts to keep himself somehow removed, Cas shoves it all away without words, wraps him up in a hug without question and pulls him close. Dean blinks a few times, not entirely surprised by it but trying to resist for a good few seconds before he finally sinks into it, nose shoved to Cas' shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut tight. At least there's nothing complicated to this, it doesn't have to be such a struggle to understand, to work his way through. Cas is warm and solid and still there, and he's sure that has to be enough.
But by god, it still hurts, and Dean buries his way in closer, clinging tight enough that he's sure he might break from it. ]
[ cas isn't sure how dean's going to react, if he's going to shrug away or lean into it hungrily, though considering dean came to him, considering how desperate he is, cas is expecting the latter. that dean's here at all, trying, means he's hurting badly, means he needs this; still, cas breathes a slow, shaky inhale when it's reciprocated, nonetheless.
dean clings so tight that it's heartbreaking, and cas's expression crumples a little, his brows drawing tightly together, arms grasping harder as if to reinforce that he's here, that even if it feels like they're still separated somehow, cas isn't going anywhere. he's never going anywhere. ]
What is it you want, then?
[ forward honesty doesn't always work with dean, but sometimes it does, and it's all he's got right now, all he can manage, because dancing around the subject isn't going to be helpful for either of them.
cas pulls back a little, but keeps a hand clasped to dean's shoulder anyway, and he knocks their foreheads together with a soft, slanted smile. ]
[ Dean keeps thinking that what he wants should be obvious, should somehow not be a thing that he has to say out loud. But Cas can't read his mind and for that, Dean doesn't fault him, never would. And even if he could, it's still his duty to make his words known, even if they struggle to exist in the first place. It's his responsibility to be forthright before anyone else, and that can't be a fact that changes just because he feels hopelessly lost.
Except for when he's with Cas.
It's a fact he can't turn on its head, a thing that's been true for years. So why fight so hard from a distance? Dean tries to speak for a moment but finds himself clamping his jaw shut again when Cas knocks their forehead together, just trying to find his own breath when he cracks under the weight of Cas' insufferably encouraging smile. As much as he wants to look away, disconnect, he is right here, with it, right where he wants to be. ]
Yeah, well-
[ There's no retorts left, stupid or otherwise, even as Dean tries to grab for words other than I missed you too, fingers curling tighter into the back of Cas' shirt. He's sure that Cas might disintegrate under his touch for all he's gotten wrong, and all he wants at the end of the day is to keep an eye on him. To make sure he's still there. Always there. ]
[ cas gets it. they've been watching each other's backs for so long now that it's just become second nature, and while they didn't share a cabin, the camp wasn't particularly big, and if anything happened, if all hell broke loose it was just a few seconds sprinting to find one another.
here, though - while it might be easy enough to beam between ships, there's a lot more space between them than they're used to, and there's no way to sprint that distance should their technology fail them. it's a nervous chasm, and cas doesn't like it either, would like nothing more to keep an eye on dean right back, but what's to be done if dean's refusing to budge, can't bring himself to be civil with sam?
.. cas certainly doesn't blame him, but still. ]
Yeah, I want you here too, but.. if you can't, you can't.
[ chewing the inside of his cheek, cas hesitates for a moment before continuing. ]
You know, I could uh.. just come to your ship, if that's what you want. If it'll help.
[ even if he'd, you know, much prefer dean to be here instead. ]
[ Dean almost feels worse the second Cas says it, that he'd come if Dean called. That he'd hop to in a heartbeat if that was what Dean demanded of him. And while it's undoubtedly tempting, a potential solution that Dean can't rightly look over, he won't let it happen, either. Not because he doesn't want it, but because Cas has every right to stay where he's comfortable.
Cas has had more than enough time to figure out where he'd like to be at this point, and it's not a disruption Dean feels egotistical enough to make. Maybe were they home, maybe had he not allowed them all to die- he doesn't know. And if guilt is the only reason he's refusing the option, then it's still a damn good reason and Dean stares forward, gaze trained onto Cas. ]
Shut up, it's not what I want.
[ But that's the altogether easy thing to say, before Dean's gaze skirts lower and he all but holds his breath, jaw tightening with further agitation. Because the solution to this is falling squarely on his shoulders, and isn't that always the way it goes? He can't ever seem to escape the choices he has to make, the things he has to do while simultaneously numbing himself from the inside out. ]
I'll talk to Sam.
[ One can only hope he doesn't implode in the process, a consequence he might be truly mulling over. ]
[ a little knot of tension in his gut unravels when dean turns him down. much as cas is always willing to follow dean to the ends of the earth and beyond, it's true, he is comfortable here, even if he feels a little better for having offered it just to say he's done everything that he can.
.. still doesn't give them a solution, though.
dean's clamping up, though, in that way he does when he's knuckling down, making a decision he doesn't want to make, forcing himself through a hole. i'll talk to sam, he says, and cas can't help the way his brows shoot up nearly to his hairline. the hand on dean's shoulder remains tight and sure, but cas sits back to more fully look into his face, to read the tight expression there, to gauge the hardness in dean's downturned eyes. ]
.. yeah.
[ he says, after a brief pause. a hundred thoughts go through his mind, and more than a few warning bells ring loud in his ears; this could so easily be disastrous, but then.. when aren't their lives disastrous? even before they'd made the choice to split up, sam and dean had always been bickering, arguing, dragging their drama back and forth with no end in sight, but you know, cas would rather them be arguing, and together, than cold and apart. dean won't warm to sam easily, hell, might not ever warm to him fully - those bridges are long since burned, but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth a shot. a strained, brittle relationship is better than no relationship at all. ]
[ Really, Cas' expression doesn't exactly speak of the utmost confidence in the idea, but it's not as if Dean has much in it, either. All he can figure is that it'll go catastrophically wrong, that it won't solve a single thing and he'll simply be back at square one with even fewer options. It's an accident waiting to happen, the worst kind, and while Dean has all the dire need in the world for it to go well, he still has little faith in it. Even considering Sam's enthusiasm - if you could call it that - when it comes to communication between them, Dean just doesn't see it being a conversation that will end well.
Except right now, this time, he needs it to.
Trying to loosen up in his own words, Dean heaves a breath, not entirely sure if he should let go of Cas so he can remove himself fully or allow himself to keep on clinging with all the silent needs he hasn't had the opportunity to pass along. ]
Yeah, we'll see.
[ Good ideas aren't exactly his forte, something he wants to say, wants to admit me to but doesn't think he could handle the conversation that would need to come after. Because even while it' s a conversation that needs to be had, it's one thing at a time, and right now- right now it's his inability to deal with Sam that's on the table. Even that is its own struggle, Dean's own personal fight against his past and the moments that lead to his death and he'd be lying if he said that every time he looked at Sam, he didn't see his last few seconds. But he keeps telling himself that's inconsequential and so one day he's sure to believe it, except he finally looks back to Cas, trying to remain ever stoic. ]
[ maybe it isn't a good idea. maybe dean will just fuck it all up, because he's hot tempered and impatient and has years of righteous anger behind him to complicate everything he touches.
but dean's the one who taught him that you try anyway. even if the odds are shit, even if it's most likely going to blow up in your face, you give it your best damned shot anyway because it's all you can do, because it's always worth it. and sure, they've screwed up so many major decisions that it's almost laughable that they're still going to try for more, but he supposes that the two of them.. they just don't know when to quit. ]
Heh, maybe.
[ cas says with a grin, dropping both hands back to his lap, one leg tucked under him so he can stay leaning close and comfortable. ]
But you know, maybe not. Worth a shot, right? Just, you know.. keep an open mind.
[ Just that he somehow doubts he'll get through it without wanting to punch Sam in the head again by the end. He supposes the very idea is somehow progress itself, an almost disturbing idea considering where he started. But if he truly wants this, wants to let himself find comfort in at least one thing, then there isn't any other choice. And so no matter what, he's willing to give it a go.
Canting to the side slightly as he once again leans back up against the headboard, Dean drops his face slightly, rubbing his fingers against his eyes ]
Can't even sleep here.
[ It's a stupid sidebar but it's worthy of frustration. That, and it apparently needlessly annoys his captain of the moment, the endless pacing and the unwillingness to sit his ass down for two seconds. It doesn't really help matters that closing his eyes means seeing Lucifer and that trying to nod off is a paranoid reminder of the disaster he's left festering at home. It's all enough to leave him feeling cataclysmically distraught, guilty enough that the ships halls are worth pacing through at night.
But at least he figures admitting to it means something, not that he knows what. ]
[ that dean's got too much nervous energy to sleep easily comes as no real surprise. they're not 'safe', after all, they have no control, and while cas might handle it decently, he knows that that's never really been dean's cup of tea. he's damn finicky. for all intents and purposes they've been kidnapped, after all, and that doesn't sit well with guys like dean. doesn't sit well with most people. ]
Yeah, it took me awhile to get comfortable, too.
[ a shrug. ]
Try the cargo hold. It's quiet in there. But yeah you kinda look like shit.
[ Dean has in no way forgotten that they've been kidnapped, but in a weird sort of way, it's not at the complete forefront of his mind. All his other paranoias are more fervently popping to the surface, taking hold and shaking him around just for their own benefit. But when he does think on it, it's just one more thing to find himself getting upset over, as if he really needs to add more to the plate.
Rolling his eyes in Cas' direction, Dean stares for a good long second, offering him a perpetually annoyed look. ]
Looking good isn't a top priority.
[ Not that he knows what is a top priority apart from getting onto Cas' ship. To only further impress upon the point, he knocks into Cas gently before looking away again. ]
You've got better sleeping arrangements than us. [ Which is to say communal bunks is so not a thing that is happening with Dean. ]
[ cas supposes he might be more upset about it if he weren't, you know, dead. and it feels.. so incredibly selfish, but he's kind of glad for it, in a way that feels kind of slimy. because being dead - it means he's done all he can, right? it means he doesn't have to try to get back because that ship has sailed, his stint there is over and done, he's done his time, paid the price for his sins.
that's what he tries to tell himself, at least. but cas can't swallow it entirely, because there were people still left behind, an earth ruined and overrun by demons, and for all intents and purposes he should be trying to get back, trying to help more, to give and give until there's no spirit left to be pulled away into.. strange alternate dimensions.
he'll choke that all down with a smile, though. ]
Oh yeah? You got those, uh.. bunk beds?
[ he can't help but snicker, because imagining dean bunking up and getting cozy with his shipmates is just hysterical okay. man needs his privacy. cas shrugs, though, glancing over his broad bed, the little table, the shelf. honestly, he gets it. having four walls to yourself can be.. necessary. cas has learned the importance of that, these past five years. ]
Stay over, if you want. I don't always use the bed anyway.
[ Dean would like to pretend he hasn't yet gotten to the part where he can even consider his own death. It's something he wishes he could skirt past on every given occasion, wishes he could shove to the furthest corners of his head and leave it to rot for another day. But that's just not how it works when his mind lets it froth to the surface near every other minute, a reminder that he failed so extraordinarily that finding himself worthy of anything is damn near impossible.
It's what made this hardest of all, letting himself settle when he doesn't deserve it. Letting himself have this when he doesn't deserve it. But he just can't crumble either, even if it's all he wants to do. Because there is always something to fight against, no matter if it means losing everything all over again.
Just let Cas keep this even if he's the one who has to give it all away. Give Cas one goddamn thing. ]
Bunk beds? [ Dean's eyebrows raise; skeptical yet somehow thankful that's not his arrangement either. ] Try barracks. Like a fucking sleepover.
[ Tracking Cas' gaze around his room, he stares down at the bed given as an offering, not entirely sure what to do with the prospects. If he's allowed, if he should, if that would somehow break all the rules he's created for himself. Not to mention- it's still Cas' space. ]
[ cas grins like a cat and laughs, easy and loose, because imagining dean functioning at a sleepover is frankly just hilarious. the red fish might be smaller than a lot of ships, and lacking in a few things (though it's certainly better now that their ranks are filled more evenly), but having rooms of their own is a definite plus. cas got used to his own cabin, after all, has learned the value of privacy, likes to have a place to hide out in the quiet when he needs it. it's good.
so it's probably pretty shitty for dean, actually, to not have that, to feel hemmed in on all sides always with no real escape. it's enough to make someone stir-crazy, let along a hair-triggery apocalypse vet. ]
I didn't mean forever.
[ he corrects with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, leaning forward until his elbows are resting on his knees. ]
Just, you know, when you need it. If you need some quiet to get your shit together, and have some walls to yourself for once.
[ Oh yeah, laugh it up buddy. Dean might find it more amusing if he wasn't living in the middle of it and truth be told, he's about a hot second away from migrating his ass onto the moon. It's just one more reason he isn't dealing well, and the constant temptation to remove the people around him really just adds to the constant feel of chaos.
Dean still isn't sure why he doesn't want to take Cas' room, though. Can't figure out if it's because he feels like he owes him far too much, that Cas should never have to offer him anything. Or if there's some other sinking feeling he can't muster to the surface, something else guilt ridden and unsure. He just doesn't know, but somehow feels as if he's intruding in ways he shouldn't be allowed, even if Cas wants to share. ]
It's yours, Cas. Even when you're not in it.
[ Besides, how often did Dean spend his days drinking in the damn storage shed. It's as good of an excuse as any: I don't need the luxury of this. I can do without. Even as his gaze hones forward, focused on unspoken apologies. ]
[ what's your damned point, winchester? sure, maybe cas makes too much of a habit of giving dean what he wants, even if he's gotten worlds better about it, yeah, there's always gonna be a part of him that wants to give until he's got nothing left.
but that's not exactly what's at work, here. dean's his best friend, and he's in an uncomfortable situation, so if cas can help alleviate some of that pressure without really inconveniencing himself too much, then why the hell not? honestly, a calmer, more collected dean is better for everyone, so if holing up in a quiet room every once in awhile will help his mood, as far as cas is concerned, everyone wins. ]
[ For a few moments, Dean's gaze averts upwards, almost exasperated but not quite. He's well aware it's a stupid thing to even try to argue about, a thing he should give into straight away because comfort itself is a hard thing to deny. But he can't quite give it up. ]
Will it make you feel better if I do?
[ Looking over to Cas, brow furrowed in quiet interest, Dean's not entirely sure in what sense he's asking. It's not as if this is a thing that should even tear Cas up inside, compared to near everything else they've been through - it's comical to think that Dean's refusal might be upsetting him. Though he knows his question has nothing to do with whether or not it'll fix anything, because it won't, he simply has to wonder just what more he'd do now for Cas. More than what he ever would before. It's only that his last choices in life belie a number of his feelings, the fact that Cas is all he has no matter which way he looks at it, that Cas is the one being he cannot watch go. ]
[ it'll make everyone feel better, really. unwinding dean is a damned public service as far as he's concerned, and sure, cas's first instinct is to protect dean for dean, to offer him whatever solace he can because it's dean, his best friend. keeping im comfortable is, you know, important.
but hey. if he's.. making everyone else's lives easier in the meantime, sure. he'll take it. absolutely. ]
[ Except Dean, as far as he's concerned, isn't really upsetting anyone with his mere presence. It's not like he's Darth Vader, and sure, he annoyed the snot out of his Captain, but the only nuisance he's creating is by not being able to do enough. Even so-- ]
Fine.
[ Said in that tone that applies but i'm not going to like it. Even if he undoubtedly will, eventually, no matter if he's entirely aware of it or not. ]
[ cas can't help the bark of a laugh that spills from him, easy as water. ]
But then how else will I fall asleep?
[ he asks, brows drawn and lower lip thrust out, the very picture of pathetic sadness. but he can't hold it, splits into a smile and sighs, scrubbing at his face with both hands. good talk, friend. there's still much more to come but.. well, this is good enough, for now. ]
[ Don't you even look at him like that, god. Dean just rolls his eyes before leaning back full on against the headboard. Granted now that he's straight up told to take a nap, doing so seems nearly impossible but-- who knows. This might be one of those desperate times cases. ]
Heh, don't worry, princess, I'm going to grab a shower, I think.
[ because seriously, months here now and he still can't get over the hot running water. it's amazing. so he climbs up to his feet and stretches nice and full until his back pops. ]
So, enjoy yourself. Try not to drool all over my pillows.
[ Dean just watches for a second before he rolls his own shoulders and grumbles his way through a sigh. ]
Yeah, sure- i'll do what I can.
[ If he doesn't get nervous by the prospects of sleep and run off before Cas comes back that is, but it's infinitely more likely that he'll crash in a hot second. He ain't goin' nowhere. ]
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but dean is dean, he's always been dean, and cas will always be patient with him.
he's not sure what to say, though. there's not much to say, no real way to rectify this and cas hates that, he's built his life around assisting dean, holding him up and keeping him strong, being reliable, being the rock he needs to lean on. not being able to achieve that readily is.. upsetting.
after a moment, cas shifts and slides an arm around dean's back, another around his front and tugs him into a strong, tight hug, hands grasping in dean's jacket, white-knuckled. it's all he can do, all he can give and honestly, for all he's trying to be tough for dean here cas needs this too, he's needed it from the moment dean showed his face here in the fleet. ]
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Despite all his efforts to keep himself somehow removed, Cas shoves it all away without words, wraps him up in a hug without question and pulls him close. Dean blinks a few times, not entirely surprised by it but trying to resist for a good few seconds before he finally sinks into it, nose shoved to Cas' shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut tight. At least there's nothing complicated to this, it doesn't have to be such a struggle to understand, to work his way through. Cas is warm and solid and still there, and he's sure that has to be enough.
But by god, it still hurts, and Dean buries his way in closer, clinging tight enough that he's sure he might break from it. ]
I can't just come visit.
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dean clings so tight that it's heartbreaking, and cas's expression crumples a little, his brows drawing tightly together, arms grasping harder as if to reinforce that he's here, that even if it feels like they're still separated somehow, cas isn't going anywhere. he's never going anywhere. ]
What is it you want, then?
[ forward honesty doesn't always work with dean, but sometimes it does, and it's all he's got right now, all he can manage, because dancing around the subject isn't going to be helpful for either of them.
cas pulls back a little, but keeps a hand clasped to dean's shoulder anyway, and he knocks their foreheads together with a soft, slanted smile. ]
I missed your stupid ass, you know.
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Except for when he's with Cas.
It's a fact he can't turn on its head, a thing that's been true for years. So why fight so hard from a distance? Dean tries to speak for a moment but finds himself clamping his jaw shut again when Cas knocks their forehead together, just trying to find his own breath when he cracks under the weight of Cas' insufferably encouraging smile. As much as he wants to look away, disconnect, he is right here, with it, right where he wants to be. ]
Yeah, well-
[ There's no retorts left, stupid or otherwise, even as Dean tries to grab for words other than I missed you too, fingers curling tighter into the back of Cas' shirt. He's sure that Cas might disintegrate under his touch for all he's gotten wrong, and all he wants at the end of the day is to keep an eye on him. To make sure he's still there. Always there. ]
I want to be here.
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here, though - while it might be easy enough to beam between ships, there's a lot more space between them than they're used to, and there's no way to sprint that distance should their technology fail them. it's a nervous chasm, and cas doesn't like it either, would like nothing more to keep an eye on dean right back, but what's to be done if dean's refusing to budge, can't bring himself to be civil with sam?
.. cas certainly doesn't blame him, but still. ]
Yeah, I want you here too, but.. if you can't, you can't.
[ chewing the inside of his cheek, cas hesitates for a moment before continuing. ]
You know, I could uh.. just come to your ship, if that's what you want. If it'll help.
[ even if he'd, you know, much prefer dean to be here instead. ]
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Cas has had more than enough time to figure out where he'd like to be at this point, and it's not a disruption Dean feels egotistical enough to make. Maybe were they home, maybe had he not allowed them all to die- he doesn't know. And if guilt is the only reason he's refusing the option, then it's still a damn good reason and Dean stares forward, gaze trained onto Cas. ]
Shut up, it's not what I want.
[ But that's the altogether easy thing to say, before Dean's gaze skirts lower and he all but holds his breath, jaw tightening with further agitation. Because the solution to this is falling squarely on his shoulders, and isn't that always the way it goes? He can't ever seem to escape the choices he has to make, the things he has to do while simultaneously numbing himself from the inside out. ]
I'll talk to Sam.
[ One can only hope he doesn't implode in the process, a consequence he might be truly mulling over. ]
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.. still doesn't give them a solution, though.
dean's clamping up, though, in that way he does when he's knuckling down, making a decision he doesn't want to make, forcing himself through a hole. i'll talk to sam, he says, and cas can't help the way his brows shoot up nearly to his hairline. the hand on dean's shoulder remains tight and sure, but cas sits back to more fully look into his face, to read the tight expression there, to gauge the hardness in dean's downturned eyes. ]
.. yeah.
[ he says, after a brief pause. a hundred thoughts go through his mind, and more than a few warning bells ring loud in his ears; this could so easily be disastrous, but then.. when aren't their lives disastrous? even before they'd made the choice to split up, sam and dean had always been bickering, arguing, dragging their drama back and forth with no end in sight, but you know, cas would rather them be arguing, and together, than cold and apart. dean won't warm to sam easily, hell, might not ever warm to him fully - those bridges are long since burned, but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth a shot. a strained, brittle relationship is better than no relationship at all. ]
Good idea.
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Except right now, this time, he needs it to.
Trying to loosen up in his own words, Dean heaves a breath, not entirely sure if he should let go of Cas so he can remove himself fully or allow himself to keep on clinging with all the silent needs he hasn't had the opportunity to pass along. ]
Yeah, we'll see.
[ Good ideas aren't exactly his forte, something he wants to say, wants to admit me to but doesn't think he could handle the conversation that would need to come after. Because even while it' s a conversation that needs to be had, it's one thing at a time, and right now- right now it's his inability to deal with Sam that's on the table. Even that is its own struggle, Dean's own personal fight against his past and the moments that lead to his death and he'd be lying if he said that every time he looked at Sam, he didn't see his last few seconds. But he keeps telling himself that's inconsequential and so one day he's sure to believe it, except he finally looks back to Cas, trying to remain ever stoic. ]
Except i'm gonna fuck it up, right?
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but dean's the one who taught him that you try anyway. even if the odds are shit, even if it's most likely going to blow up in your face, you give it your best damned shot anyway because it's all you can do, because it's always worth it. and sure, they've screwed up so many major decisions that it's almost laughable that they're still going to try for more, but he supposes that the two of them.. they just don't know when to quit. ]
Heh, maybe.
[ cas says with a grin, dropping both hands back to his lap, one leg tucked under him so he can stay leaning close and comfortable. ]
But you know, maybe not. Worth a shot, right? Just, you know.. keep an open mind.
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[ Just that he somehow doubts he'll get through it without wanting to punch Sam in the head again by the end. He supposes the very idea is somehow progress itself, an almost disturbing idea considering where he started. But if he truly wants this, wants to let himself find comfort in at least one thing, then there isn't any other choice. And so no matter what, he's willing to give it a go.
Canting to the side slightly as he once again leans back up against the headboard, Dean drops his face slightly, rubbing his fingers against his eyes ]
Can't even sleep here.
[ It's a stupid sidebar but it's worthy of frustration. That, and it apparently needlessly annoys his captain of the moment, the endless pacing and the unwillingness to sit his ass down for two seconds. It doesn't really help matters that closing his eyes means seeing Lucifer and that trying to nod off is a paranoid reminder of the disaster he's left festering at home. It's all enough to leave him feeling cataclysmically distraught, guilty enough that the ships halls are worth pacing through at night.
But at least he figures admitting to it means something, not that he knows what. ]
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Yeah, it took me awhile to get comfortable, too.
[ a shrug. ]
Try the cargo hold. It's quiet in there. But yeah you kinda look like shit.
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Rolling his eyes in Cas' direction, Dean stares for a good long second, offering him a perpetually annoyed look. ]
Looking good isn't a top priority.
[ Not that he knows what is a top priority apart from getting onto Cas' ship. To only further impress upon the point, he knocks into Cas gently before looking away again. ]
You've got better sleeping arrangements than us. [ Which is to say communal bunks is so not a thing that is happening with Dean. ]
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that's what he tries to tell himself, at least. but cas can't swallow it entirely, because there were people still left behind, an earth ruined and overrun by demons, and for all intents and purposes he should be trying to get back, trying to help more, to give and give until there's no spirit left to be pulled away into.. strange alternate dimensions.
he'll choke that all down with a smile, though. ]
Oh yeah? You got those, uh.. bunk beds?
[ he can't help but snicker, because imagining dean bunking up and getting cozy with his shipmates is just hysterical okay. man needs his privacy. cas shrugs, though, glancing over his broad bed, the little table, the shelf. honestly, he gets it. having four walls to yourself can be.. necessary. cas has learned the importance of that, these past five years. ]
Stay over, if you want. I don't always use the bed anyway.
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It's what made this hardest of all, letting himself settle when he doesn't deserve it. Letting himself have this when he doesn't deserve it. But he just can't crumble either, even if it's all he wants to do. Because there is always something to fight against, no matter if it means losing everything all over again.
Just let Cas keep this even if he's the one who has to give it all away. Give Cas one goddamn thing. ]
Bunk beds? [ Dean's eyebrows raise; skeptical yet somehow thankful that's not his arrangement either. ] Try barracks. Like a fucking sleepover.
[ Tracking Cas' gaze around his room, he stares down at the bed given as an offering, not entirely sure what to do with the prospects. If he's allowed, if he should, if that would somehow break all the rules he's created for himself. Not to mention- it's still Cas' space. ]
I'm not taking your room.
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so it's probably pretty shitty for dean, actually, to not have that, to feel hemmed in on all sides always with no real escape. it's enough to make someone stir-crazy, let along a hair-triggery apocalypse vet. ]
I didn't mean forever.
[ he corrects with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, leaning forward until his elbows are resting on his knees. ]
Just, you know, when you need it. If you need some quiet to get your shit together, and have some walls to yourself for once.
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Dean still isn't sure why he doesn't want to take Cas' room, though. Can't figure out if it's because he feels like he owes him far too much, that Cas should never have to offer him anything. Or if there's some other sinking feeling he can't muster to the surface, something else guilt ridden and unsure. He just doesn't know, but somehow feels as if he's intruding in ways he shouldn't be allowed, even if Cas wants to share. ]
It's yours, Cas. Even when you're not in it.
[ Besides, how often did Dean spend his days drinking in the damn storage shed. It's as good of an excuse as any: I don't need the luxury of this. I can do without. Even as his gaze hones forward, focused on unspoken apologies. ]
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[ what's your damned point, winchester? sure, maybe cas makes too much of a habit of giving dean what he wants, even if he's gotten worlds better about it, yeah, there's always gonna be a part of him that wants to give until he's got nothing left.
but that's not exactly what's at work, here. dean's his best friend, and he's in an uncomfortable situation, so if cas can help alleviate some of that pressure without really inconveniencing himself too much, then why the hell not? honestly, a calmer, more collected dean is better for everyone, so if holing up in a quiet room every once in awhile will help his mood, as far as cas is concerned, everyone wins. ]
Stop being a stubborn ass. Just keep it in mind.
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Will it make you feel better if I do?
[ Looking over to Cas, brow furrowed in quiet interest, Dean's not entirely sure in what sense he's asking. It's not as if this is a thing that should even tear Cas up inside, compared to near everything else they've been through - it's comical to think that Dean's refusal might be upsetting him. Though he knows his question has nothing to do with whether or not it'll fix anything, because it won't, he simply has to wonder just what more he'd do now for Cas. More than what he ever would before. It's only that his last choices in life belie a number of his feelings, the fact that Cas is all he has no matter which way he looks at it, that Cas is the one being he cannot watch go. ]
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[ it'll make everyone feel better, really. unwinding dean is a damned public service as far as he's concerned, and sure, cas's first instinct is to protect dean for dean, to offer him whatever solace he can because it's dean, his best friend. keeping im comfortable is, you know, important.
but hey. if he's.. making everyone else's lives easier in the meantime, sure. he'll take it. absolutely. ]
So come on. Take a load off whenever you need it.
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Fine.
[ Said in that tone that applies but i'm not going to like it. Even if he undoubtedly will, eventually, no matter if he's entirely aware of it or not. ]
Just don't expect a bedtime story.
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But then how else will I fall asleep?
[ he asks, brows drawn and lower lip thrust out, the very picture of pathetic sadness. but he can't hold it, splits into a smile and sighs, scrubbing at his face with both hands. good talk, friend. there's still much more to come but.. well, this is good enough, for now. ]
Take a nap, cranky.
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[ Don't you even look at him like that, god. Dean just rolls his eyes before leaning back full on against the headboard. Granted now that he's straight up told to take a nap, doing so seems nearly impossible but-- who knows. This might be one of those desperate times cases. ]
Not if you're gonna stare at me.
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[ because seriously, months here now and he still can't get over the hot running water. it's amazing. so he climbs up to his feet and stretches nice and full until his back pops. ]
So, enjoy yourself. Try not to drool all over my pillows.
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Yeah, sure- i'll do what I can.
[ If he doesn't get nervous by the prospects of sleep and run off before Cas comes back that is, but it's infinitely more likely that he'll crash in a hot second. He ain't goin' nowhere. ]