[ cas supposes he might be more upset about it if he weren't, you know, dead. and it feels.. so incredibly selfish, but he's kind of glad for it, in a way that feels kind of slimy. because being dead - it means he's done all he can, right? it means he doesn't have to try to get back because that ship has sailed, his stint there is over and done, he's done his time, paid the price for his sins.
that's what he tries to tell himself, at least. but cas can't swallow it entirely, because there were people still left behind, an earth ruined and overrun by demons, and for all intents and purposes he should be trying to get back, trying to help more, to give and give until there's no spirit left to be pulled away into.. strange alternate dimensions.
he'll choke that all down with a smile, though. ]
Oh yeah? You got those, uh.. bunk beds?
[ he can't help but snicker, because imagining dean bunking up and getting cozy with his shipmates is just hysterical okay. man needs his privacy. cas shrugs, though, glancing over his broad bed, the little table, the shelf. honestly, he gets it. having four walls to yourself can be.. necessary. cas has learned the importance of that, these past five years. ]
Stay over, if you want. I don't always use the bed anyway.
[ Dean would like to pretend he hasn't yet gotten to the part where he can even consider his own death. It's something he wishes he could skirt past on every given occasion, wishes he could shove to the furthest corners of his head and leave it to rot for another day. But that's just not how it works when his mind lets it froth to the surface near every other minute, a reminder that he failed so extraordinarily that finding himself worthy of anything is damn near impossible.
It's what made this hardest of all, letting himself settle when he doesn't deserve it. Letting himself have this when he doesn't deserve it. But he just can't crumble either, even if it's all he wants to do. Because there is always something to fight against, no matter if it means losing everything all over again.
Just let Cas keep this even if he's the one who has to give it all away. Give Cas one goddamn thing. ]
Bunk beds? [ Dean's eyebrows raise; skeptical yet somehow thankful that's not his arrangement either. ] Try barracks. Like a fucking sleepover.
[ Tracking Cas' gaze around his room, he stares down at the bed given as an offering, not entirely sure what to do with the prospects. If he's allowed, if he should, if that would somehow break all the rules he's created for himself. Not to mention- it's still Cas' space. ]
[ cas grins like a cat and laughs, easy and loose, because imagining dean functioning at a sleepover is frankly just hilarious. the red fish might be smaller than a lot of ships, and lacking in a few things (though it's certainly better now that their ranks are filled more evenly), but having rooms of their own is a definite plus. cas got used to his own cabin, after all, has learned the value of privacy, likes to have a place to hide out in the quiet when he needs it. it's good.
so it's probably pretty shitty for dean, actually, to not have that, to feel hemmed in on all sides always with no real escape. it's enough to make someone stir-crazy, let along a hair-triggery apocalypse vet. ]
I didn't mean forever.
[ he corrects with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, leaning forward until his elbows are resting on his knees. ]
Just, you know, when you need it. If you need some quiet to get your shit together, and have some walls to yourself for once.
[ Oh yeah, laugh it up buddy. Dean might find it more amusing if he wasn't living in the middle of it and truth be told, he's about a hot second away from migrating his ass onto the moon. It's just one more reason he isn't dealing well, and the constant temptation to remove the people around him really just adds to the constant feel of chaos.
Dean still isn't sure why he doesn't want to take Cas' room, though. Can't figure out if it's because he feels like he owes him far too much, that Cas should never have to offer him anything. Or if there's some other sinking feeling he can't muster to the surface, something else guilt ridden and unsure. He just doesn't know, but somehow feels as if he's intruding in ways he shouldn't be allowed, even if Cas wants to share. ]
It's yours, Cas. Even when you're not in it.
[ Besides, how often did Dean spend his days drinking in the damn storage shed. It's as good of an excuse as any: I don't need the luxury of this. I can do without. Even as his gaze hones forward, focused on unspoken apologies. ]
[ what's your damned point, winchester? sure, maybe cas makes too much of a habit of giving dean what he wants, even if he's gotten worlds better about it, yeah, there's always gonna be a part of him that wants to give until he's got nothing left.
but that's not exactly what's at work, here. dean's his best friend, and he's in an uncomfortable situation, so if cas can help alleviate some of that pressure without really inconveniencing himself too much, then why the hell not? honestly, a calmer, more collected dean is better for everyone, so if holing up in a quiet room every once in awhile will help his mood, as far as cas is concerned, everyone wins. ]
[ For a few moments, Dean's gaze averts upwards, almost exasperated but not quite. He's well aware it's a stupid thing to even try to argue about, a thing he should give into straight away because comfort itself is a hard thing to deny. But he can't quite give it up. ]
Will it make you feel better if I do?
[ Looking over to Cas, brow furrowed in quiet interest, Dean's not entirely sure in what sense he's asking. It's not as if this is a thing that should even tear Cas up inside, compared to near everything else they've been through - it's comical to think that Dean's refusal might be upsetting him. Though he knows his question has nothing to do with whether or not it'll fix anything, because it won't, he simply has to wonder just what more he'd do now for Cas. More than what he ever would before. It's only that his last choices in life belie a number of his feelings, the fact that Cas is all he has no matter which way he looks at it, that Cas is the one being he cannot watch go. ]
[ it'll make everyone feel better, really. unwinding dean is a damned public service as far as he's concerned, and sure, cas's first instinct is to protect dean for dean, to offer him whatever solace he can because it's dean, his best friend. keeping im comfortable is, you know, important.
but hey. if he's.. making everyone else's lives easier in the meantime, sure. he'll take it. absolutely. ]
[ Except Dean, as far as he's concerned, isn't really upsetting anyone with his mere presence. It's not like he's Darth Vader, and sure, he annoyed the snot out of his Captain, but the only nuisance he's creating is by not being able to do enough. Even so-- ]
Fine.
[ Said in that tone that applies but i'm not going to like it. Even if he undoubtedly will, eventually, no matter if he's entirely aware of it or not. ]
[ cas can't help the bark of a laugh that spills from him, easy as water. ]
But then how else will I fall asleep?
[ he asks, brows drawn and lower lip thrust out, the very picture of pathetic sadness. but he can't hold it, splits into a smile and sighs, scrubbing at his face with both hands. good talk, friend. there's still much more to come but.. well, this is good enough, for now. ]
[ Don't you even look at him like that, god. Dean just rolls his eyes before leaning back full on against the headboard. Granted now that he's straight up told to take a nap, doing so seems nearly impossible but-- who knows. This might be one of those desperate times cases. ]
Heh, don't worry, princess, I'm going to grab a shower, I think.
[ because seriously, months here now and he still can't get over the hot running water. it's amazing. so he climbs up to his feet and stretches nice and full until his back pops. ]
So, enjoy yourself. Try not to drool all over my pillows.
[ Dean just watches for a second before he rolls his own shoulders and grumbles his way through a sigh. ]
Yeah, sure- i'll do what I can.
[ If he doesn't get nervous by the prospects of sleep and run off before Cas comes back that is, but it's infinitely more likely that he'll crash in a hot second. He ain't goin' nowhere. ]
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that's what he tries to tell himself, at least. but cas can't swallow it entirely, because there were people still left behind, an earth ruined and overrun by demons, and for all intents and purposes he should be trying to get back, trying to help more, to give and give until there's no spirit left to be pulled away into.. strange alternate dimensions.
he'll choke that all down with a smile, though. ]
Oh yeah? You got those, uh.. bunk beds?
[ he can't help but snicker, because imagining dean bunking up and getting cozy with his shipmates is just hysterical okay. man needs his privacy. cas shrugs, though, glancing over his broad bed, the little table, the shelf. honestly, he gets it. having four walls to yourself can be.. necessary. cas has learned the importance of that, these past five years. ]
Stay over, if you want. I don't always use the bed anyway.
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It's what made this hardest of all, letting himself settle when he doesn't deserve it. Letting himself have this when he doesn't deserve it. But he just can't crumble either, even if it's all he wants to do. Because there is always something to fight against, no matter if it means losing everything all over again.
Just let Cas keep this even if he's the one who has to give it all away. Give Cas one goddamn thing. ]
Bunk beds? [ Dean's eyebrows raise; skeptical yet somehow thankful that's not his arrangement either. ] Try barracks. Like a fucking sleepover.
[ Tracking Cas' gaze around his room, he stares down at the bed given as an offering, not entirely sure what to do with the prospects. If he's allowed, if he should, if that would somehow break all the rules he's created for himself. Not to mention- it's still Cas' space. ]
I'm not taking your room.
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so it's probably pretty shitty for dean, actually, to not have that, to feel hemmed in on all sides always with no real escape. it's enough to make someone stir-crazy, let along a hair-triggery apocalypse vet. ]
I didn't mean forever.
[ he corrects with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, leaning forward until his elbows are resting on his knees. ]
Just, you know, when you need it. If you need some quiet to get your shit together, and have some walls to yourself for once.
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Dean still isn't sure why he doesn't want to take Cas' room, though. Can't figure out if it's because he feels like he owes him far too much, that Cas should never have to offer him anything. Or if there's some other sinking feeling he can't muster to the surface, something else guilt ridden and unsure. He just doesn't know, but somehow feels as if he's intruding in ways he shouldn't be allowed, even if Cas wants to share. ]
It's yours, Cas. Even when you're not in it.
[ Besides, how often did Dean spend his days drinking in the damn storage shed. It's as good of an excuse as any: I don't need the luxury of this. I can do without. Even as his gaze hones forward, focused on unspoken apologies. ]
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[ what's your damned point, winchester? sure, maybe cas makes too much of a habit of giving dean what he wants, even if he's gotten worlds better about it, yeah, there's always gonna be a part of him that wants to give until he's got nothing left.
but that's not exactly what's at work, here. dean's his best friend, and he's in an uncomfortable situation, so if cas can help alleviate some of that pressure without really inconveniencing himself too much, then why the hell not? honestly, a calmer, more collected dean is better for everyone, so if holing up in a quiet room every once in awhile will help his mood, as far as cas is concerned, everyone wins. ]
Stop being a stubborn ass. Just keep it in mind.
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Will it make you feel better if I do?
[ Looking over to Cas, brow furrowed in quiet interest, Dean's not entirely sure in what sense he's asking. It's not as if this is a thing that should even tear Cas up inside, compared to near everything else they've been through - it's comical to think that Dean's refusal might be upsetting him. Though he knows his question has nothing to do with whether or not it'll fix anything, because it won't, he simply has to wonder just what more he'd do now for Cas. More than what he ever would before. It's only that his last choices in life belie a number of his feelings, the fact that Cas is all he has no matter which way he looks at it, that Cas is the one being he cannot watch go. ]
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[ it'll make everyone feel better, really. unwinding dean is a damned public service as far as he's concerned, and sure, cas's first instinct is to protect dean for dean, to offer him whatever solace he can because it's dean, his best friend. keeping im comfortable is, you know, important.
but hey. if he's.. making everyone else's lives easier in the meantime, sure. he'll take it. absolutely. ]
So come on. Take a load off whenever you need it.
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Fine.
[ Said in that tone that applies but i'm not going to like it. Even if he undoubtedly will, eventually, no matter if he's entirely aware of it or not. ]
Just don't expect a bedtime story.
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But then how else will I fall asleep?
[ he asks, brows drawn and lower lip thrust out, the very picture of pathetic sadness. but he can't hold it, splits into a smile and sighs, scrubbing at his face with both hands. good talk, friend. there's still much more to come but.. well, this is good enough, for now. ]
Take a nap, cranky.
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[ Don't you even look at him like that, god. Dean just rolls his eyes before leaning back full on against the headboard. Granted now that he's straight up told to take a nap, doing so seems nearly impossible but-- who knows. This might be one of those desperate times cases. ]
Not if you're gonna stare at me.
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[ because seriously, months here now and he still can't get over the hot running water. it's amazing. so he climbs up to his feet and stretches nice and full until his back pops. ]
So, enjoy yourself. Try not to drool all over my pillows.
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Yeah, sure- i'll do what I can.
[ If he doesn't get nervous by the prospects of sleep and run off before Cas comes back that is, but it's infinitely more likely that he'll crash in a hot second. He ain't goin' nowhere. ]